Rally Toward Resilience

What is resilience? Why are some people more resilient than others? These are questions I have been pondering as of late. I decided to first look at the definition of resilience:  “able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions”

Actually, I like this other definition better because it gives me a better visual: “able to recoil or spring back into shape after bending, stretching, or being compressed.”

Many of my patients express this “being compressed” as debilitation due to major depression. However, being compressed by life events does not necessarily mean depression. All of us experience distress, disappointment and discouragement in life (the 3 “d” words). It is one of those facts of life that frankly stinks. None of us want to experience pain, sorrow or the 3 “d” words; but we all do. The question now is how do we handle these “compression” moments?

I have pondered a few questions. One is that I wonder whether resilient people have an  optimistic personality? If you are an optimist, does that mean you are able to see hope easier? The other question is whether people who have a stubborn streak are more resilient? In other words, stubborn people are not going to allow the 3 “d” words to knock them down. Is it a combination of these?

Many people would consider me as resilient. I am, but it is a process. I rail against the disappointment, distress and discouragement. Sometimes I want to curl up in a ball, most of the time I want to run away, all of the time I process it as long as I need to, challenge the irrationality of it all, and move forward. Why? Because frankly I cannot tolerate the negative emotions! By the way, I am also stubborn and an eternal optimist!

Whether a personality has a resilient “trait” doesn’t matter. What matters is that anyone can learn how to be more resilient if they work on their Interpersonal Cognitive Behavioral Therapy skills. In other words, we can allow our negative emotions and thoughts to take over when we are “bent, stretched and compressed”, or we can challenge those negative thoughts, come up with calmer ones and help ourselves bounce back from what is defeating us in a speedy fashion. It is only through calming those negative thoughts that lead to negative feelings. Create rational, calm thoughts and your emotions (feelings) will become calmer and rational. This is the most effective way to become increase your resilience during personal storms.

Health, happiness and rationality to you this holiday season!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director/NECBT

12 Tips for a Fulfilled Life

I was talking with a patient yesterday who has experienced some broken relationships and I wanted to give him encouragement through the use of personal wisdom I have gained….sometimes the hard way! My holiday gift to all of you who are reading this blog is to share some of these tips.

·         Find purpose, meaning, connection and transcendence in your life.  

Did you know that this is the true meaning of spirituality? Many people equate spirituality with religion. However, you can be spiritual without religion. Remember, spirituality is purpose, meaning, connection and what you personally decide that which is bigger than you. If you can find all of these, life can be gentler and kinder as well as more fulfilling.

·         Compromise without compromising your principles.

Try to see the other’s point of view and try to meet in the middle – unless it compromises your core values.

·         Practice daily gratitude even when you don’t feel grateful.

There is always something to be grateful for – can you see today? Can you hear music? Can you walk, run, breath? Practicing gratitude provides hope when you feel hopeless.

·         Forgive often.

Do not get caught up in the belief that forgiveness means letting the other person off the hook. Forgiveness is for you! If you are able to forgive, you are able to let go of the negative, bitter feelings. Not easy, but so well worth it.

·         People will disappoint.

Many times our expectations will exceed what others can or are willing to do. This will cause disappointment. Practice acceptance of this, grieve it if need be and move forward from it. This is important to do for healthy relationships as well as for your own peace of mind.

·         Along the theme of forgiveness and disappointment – This Too Shall Pass!

Frequently we get caught up in our negative emotions and cannot see that there is something good around the corner. Practice challenging your negative thoughts to help yourself feel better by telling yourself that this bump in the road is temporary.

·         Love as much as you can – then love more!

If you do this then you will find the love you are looking for whether it is for yourself (love within), for others (love without) and/or with your personal spirituality – hopefully you will find all three. 

·         Have a voice and stand up for what you believe is right.

Appropriate assertiveness is important as you will have more of a chance to get your needs met. Speak even if you don’t “feel” listened to. If you do not express your thoughts and feelings appropriately, the negativity will fester and you will become embittered. Even if your needs are not met in the manner you wish, at least you had a voice.

·         Work hard toward your goals.

Give 100% at work, at school or whatever you are doing and you will experience personal satisfaction and self worth in a job well done.

·         Avoid judgment.

Judgment of others is really just being arrogant. We are all broken and faltered – no one is perfect. At the same time, do not worry about others’ judgment of you. This is wasted energy and does not create anything positive in your life. Remember that we are all “works in progress” and if we are doing the best we can then that is all that is expected.

·         Turn your pain into something positive.

Frequently there are lessons to learn when we experience painful circumstances which can be turned into positive. I have learned much compassion through my own painful experiences and now have much meaning and purpose in helping others. Try to figure out what you can learn and challenge the negativity you feel. This can be used for good, is a great way to calm yourself as well as provide inner healing.

·         Show compassion and empathy.

Empathy is “feeling with people”.  Be there for others when they need it most. This has created the most healing in my life. Even if others are not there for me, I will continue to provide it to others. I receive a gift to my spirit whenever I show compassion and empathy to others. This is very precious.

My goodness, my list turned out to be much bigger than I anticipated. My hope is that if you can take one tip on this list and find encouragement, then I am grateful.

Peace, joy and the gift of rationality to all of you in this holiday season!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director, NECBT

Confusing the Two "E" Words

I once read a story about a butterfly hatching from its cocoon. If a human being comes along and helps the butterfly by taking the cocoon off, the butterfly will not be able to fly. You see, the butterfly has to struggle from the cocoon in order to force fluid from its body into the wings so that it will be able to fly! The human being who wanted to help actually prevented the butterfly from helping itself fly.

I remembered this story the other day when I was working with a family and I began to think about the difference between the two “E” words – empowering versus enabling. Believe it or not, there is a huge distinction between these two words!

The actual definitions of these words are similar. To empower is to give someone power to do something. To enable is to help someone be able to do something. However, in the psychological sense, enabling is seen as offering the type of help which actually perpetuates the problem rather than help resolve it.

Why am I writing about these two words? Because I am finding that there are some parents who are trying to help their anxious children but are actually perpetuating the anxiety. I want to acknowledge that these parents are very good hearted and compassionate; they truly hate seeing their child suffer so! As a parent myself I get this. No parent likes to see their child suffer! What is not understood is that in order for a child to learn how to handle the anxiety, the child may need to struggle with the anxiety, learn how to calm themselves down through challenging their irrational thoughts and get done what needs to be done. Think about a baby – the baby learns how to “self soothe” or comfort themselves when they are upset by sucking on a pacifier or their thumb. The older child can learn to comfort or calm themselves when they are anxious. Saving them from the struggle only teaches them that they don’t need to face that which makes them feel anxious. 

For example, telling a child that he/she doesn’t have to go to school because the child is feeling sick due to being anxious about a test does not empower them, it enables them to avoid the anxiety. This only perpetuates the anxiety. The next time they have a test, instead of feeling sick, they will be sick and the problem continues or even worsens. Instead, tell the child that you understand how anxious he/she is, but that you are confident that they can face their anxiety and do their best on the test. Do this in a calm voice and don’t engage in their, “but Mom/Dad!” - this is empowering them.

Here at NECBT, we teach both children and parents the skills they need to help them to see their anxious thoughts as irrational, challenge those irrational thoughts and come up with calmer ones to get through the anxious situation. Once the child understands that their anxious thoughts are not factual and that those thoughts are making them more anxious, then they can begin to help themselves become less anxious.  If they work on this hard enough, they will break free from their disabling anxiety and become able to do what they do in spite of the anxiety. This is true empowerment!

Imagine if your child was empowered to manage their anxiety, how less anxious your own life would be! Empower – don’t Enable!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director     

Struggling Against the Winds of Worry

I was reading a blog recently that listed many quotes on worry. Worry – this can be so insidious and so irrational! How many nights can you count in the past year when you tossed and turned with worry thoughts? How many times, on the next day, did you find that your worry did nothing to help the impending doom you were worrying about? This is what we call a “Mental Mishap” or general irrationalization called Magical Worry.

What is it about worry…..it infests our thoughts, it infests our actions and basically creates more anxiety.  The word insidious is a perfect definition for worry – this is the definition of insidious: causing harm in a way that is gradual or not easily noticed; treacherous, seductive. Worry does creep up on us, invades our brain and creates anxiety. Yes, it CREATES anxiety. Or, at the very least, feeds anxiety. It is also exhausting.

Why worry? I believe we worry because we are very uncomfortable with situations we cannot control. Yes, most of us are control freaks. Some worries seem reasonable: Will I be able to pay my bills? Will my kids turn out all right? Will I be able to retire someday? Most are unreasonable: What if I make a mistake? What if they don’t like me? Will my hair look okay? What will they say to me tomorrow? Can we actually control any of these things? There is only one way to control that which we cannot control.

Here is it: Change your thinking and tell your brain to LET IT GO. (Okay, stop it fans of Frozen and those who are sick of the song)! Worrying is irrational! It does nothing except raise your blood pressure, make you sick to your stomach and contributes to lost sleep. When those worry thoughts start to plague you challenge them and come up with calming thoughts such as, “worry is wasted energy”, “whatever happens, I can cope” or “I can face my future without struggling against the winds of worry”. Nelson DeMille states, “Somehow our devils are never quite what we expect when we meet them face to face”. Isn’t that true?

My favorite quote is by Leo F. Buscaglia: “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow. It only saps today of its joy.”  So, let go of those worry thoughts and change them to empowering thoughts of living life in the moment. Don’t waste another minute worrying! I guarantee that you will feel calmer, feel more in control and live more fully. 

Bonnie Lillis, LPC
Clinical Director, NECBT

WHAT TYPE OF PARENT ARE YOU?

Parenting….it is one of the toughest jobs in the world. It is also one of the most rewarding! When we parent, we have to make so many on the spot decisions, deal with lack of sleep, worry, and have so much thrown at us all at once. How we deal with the stressors, behavioral concerns, etc. can have so much impact on our children. It is so important to learn what style you use and whether it is effective. In the parenting seminars we teach at NECBT, we talk about four common parenting styles – Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive and Uninvolved. In teaching these seminars, I really think we need to add a fifth – The Helicopterer.

First, let’s define the first four styles:

Authoritarian – Strict rules, high demands but unresponsive to children, punishment and explanations such as “because I said so!”

Authoritative – Establishes rules for conduct but more democratic. Parents are responsive to their children and work toward helping their children become responsible and self-controlled.

Permissive – Parent is lenient and responsive, indulgent with few demands. Low expectations for their child’s self-control. They avoid confrontation with their children. They are more like a friend

Uninvolved – Few demands, sometimes neglectful, sometimes rejecting or emotionally or physically abusive, not involved in children’s lives.

Helicopter Parenting is yet another style – and I think this may be a new style that is not healthy.  Helicopter Parenting is defined as “A parent who takes an overprotective or excessive interest in the life of their child”. This is the total opposite of an uninvolved parent. This is a hyper-involved parent! Why is this so bad? It sounds pretty good to be protective and interested….doesn’t it?

Here are some of the qualities of a helicopter parent:

• Manages most if not all of their children’s activities
• Believes everything their child tells them without clarification
• Frequently confronts other children, parents and teachers on their child’s behalf
• Basically, solve all of their child’s problems without allowing them to solve them on their own.

Here are some of the negative consequences for the children of helicopter parents:

• Anxiety and fear
• Inability to solve problems
• Learn avoidance as a way of coping
• Inability to deal with friendship issues
• Inability to develop social skills through unstructured play
• Inability to self-sooth or calm themselves

Some of you may remember when kids were sent outside to play “until the streetlights came on”.  In my childhood, we were allowed to go out and explore, make new friends, fight and make up with friends, learn and discover how to work within groups of friends, deal with whatever came up. There is something to be said for learning self-sufficiency, making our own mistakes and figuring out what to do to fix them, and feel the struggles as well as the sense of accomplishment when we came out of them through the use of our own devices.  I acknowledge we are in a different time; however, we as parents can learn how to let go a bit and help our kids make some of their own decisions, process with them their mistakes, and help them to become self-sufficient, confident and responsible. It’s kind of like having them on an invisible rope tied around their waist – you let the rope out occasionally and, when needed, pull it back a bit. It is allowing them to explore and discover, fall down occasionally, and being there to help them get back up again.

The good news is that we are able to help helicopter parents (as well as any parent!) through teaching I-CBT skills and a different, more effective way to get the behaviors they want from their kids through our Family Systems Treatment Method which includes Parent Management Training. We can also empower their children in individual and group therapy to help themselves learn how to challenge their irrational thinking, calm themselves and come up with more functional, rational thinking.

Let go a bit Helicopterers! Imagine a more rational, calm household with children who exhibit increased self-sufficiency. Sounds better, doesn’t it?

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF ALL OF OUR THOUGHTS WERE IN CARTOON BALLOONS?

Someone posted a message on Facebook that said something like, “Thank goodness I don’t have a cartoon balloon over my head!” I chuckled about this at first and then I started percolatin’ on it. What would happen if everyone could read our thoughts? I wonder if it would be a good thing.  These questions came to me:

Would we become more rational because we would have to temper our negative thinking? Would we judge others less? Would it be more beneficial as we would know exactly where we stand or would that be more hurtful? What would happen to the lying? Would that prevent us from lying? Would we be kinder to each other or would it increase the battles with each other?

Then I started thinking about my own thoughts; the negative ones especially. It would be so embarrassing if everyone could read my thoughts. Then they would see all of those things that I have become so good at hiding. You know, all of those characteristics that we dislike about ourselves that we desperately try to keep under control. And to think of what others would think if they were able to read what I sometimes say to myself - like when I look in the mirror. Those irrational thoughts have been with me a long time and I am still challenging them. Those balloons would also show my weaknesses, my insecurities, my struggle with forgiveness, and my judgmentalism. Yep, all of those negative human traits. Hey, don’t judge me! I know you have some of those too! Yes, that would be pretty bad if others could read my thoughts!

My conclusion? It would create more difficulty if everyone could read each other’s thoughts. I truly believe it is far easier to change my own thinking for the better! That is what Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is all about – change your stinkin’ thinkin’ and help yourself feel better emotionally. It works! I can change my thinking and become less anxious, less depressed or discouraged, less angry, and less whatever negative feeling I can come up with. Cartoon balloons? PERISH THAT THOUGHT!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director

I'VE GOT A BAD CASE OF THE "TO DO'S"

GOT A BAD CASE OF THE TO DO’S!!

Am I dating myself if I tell you that the title of this blog is based on the song by Robert Palmer?  Oh, well…so be it!

I woke up the other morning in kind of a funk with my brain on fire about all of the things that I NEED to do. When I start thinking in this irrational manner, I begin to feel very overwhelmed, unfocused and despondent because I can’t even imagine how I am ever going to get to all of it! I know, this has never happened to you……NOT!

I decided to process this dysfunctional thinking of mine through this blog. What causes this thinking? I know myself very well and can identify that some of this is because I tend to be somewhat task oriented and once I assign myself a task, I want to get it done NOW! This is okay most of the time because it is a great motivator. It is not okay when I have assigned myself (or to be truthful when my bosses assign me) too many things at once. I do know how to prioritize so that is not the problem. The problem is that it is irrational for me to think that I can complete many complex projects immediately, if not sooner! My rigid expectations of myself create the irrational thinking….”I need to get these things done and I already have too much to do this weekend!” “I can’t do this!” “I’ll never get it all done!”

How does this thinking help me? The fact is, it doesn’t. I just become a big, old cranky pants. Who wants to be around a cranky pants? No-one. So, let’s analyze this thinking.

Do I need to get it all done today? Of course not. I just want to!  Yes, that is truly what the problem is. I do have so many projects at home and at work that I want to work on. I want to read the book on personality disorders. I want to read the book on binge eating and dietary addictions. I want to do menu planning for healthy eating. I want to research for our vacation. I want to do some research for something my husband is thinking about. I want, I want, I want! If I then challenge that thinking by stating that I don’t need to get it all done today or this week, then I will not be as overwhelmed. Will my bosses think less of me if I can’t get their projects done today? Probably not; as a matter of fact they probably don’t even have the expectation that I should get it done today. That’s my rigid standard!

Do you have rigid standards for your “To Do” list? Does this make you anxious, frustrated, overwhelmed and cranky? Challenge that thinking. Are there other reasons that your own “To Do” list is doing this to you? Challenge that thinking.

Guess what? The day after I was thinking those irrational thoughts I woke up and thought, “Now what was it I so NEEDED to do?” Oh, guess I didn’t need to do all of that stuff immediately after all.

Be more rational! It is much more healthy!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director

TO JUDGE OR NOT TO JUDGE.....WHO CARES?

Being on the “Back Nine” of my life (that’s a golf term that means that I not a young’un anymore), I can reflect on the variety of ideas I bought into over the years.  Which ones have been effective and which ones have been unhelpful? The idea of practicing daily gratitude has been very effective. The idea of being judged has been the most ineffective and unhelpful idea ever. Why? Because it annihilates confidence, self-esteem, motivation, and the ability to live fully. I like that word “annihilate” – it really captures that sense of destruction.

Growing up in a strict, conservative household as the youngest child of eight, I grew up with judgment. Having a weight problem also created that sense of being judged negatively. In my adult life I had the most eye opening and life changing job that changed my focus and made me look at life differently. I basically began to care less about judgment. This life-changing job was as a Hospice counselor. On a daily basis I worked with people who were terminally ill and the families who were caring for them. Every day I listened to the life stories, the regrets, the joys, and the things that were meaningful. These people lived very much in the moment and never once talked about how they feared being judged in their lives. You see, it didn’t matter to them.

This experience taught me to choose to live more in the moment, enjoying whatever life had to offer and not be afraid to take risks. What does this have to do with judgment? Well, it frees me to NOT CARE about what other people think about what I look like, or whether I say something stupid or act foolish. In the whole scheme of things, why waste a moment worrying about what others think? Most judgments are brief and fleeting. Why should I waste my precious time on earth worrying about these things? My focus is taking care of myself emotionally, physically and spiritually, being there for my family and friends and doing my job to the best of my ability. I’m okay with the knowledge that some won’t like what I look like, what I say or what I do.

Why am I writing about this? Because I am now in a job where I hear from many patients how their fear of being judged negatively is causing them so much anxiety that they are not living to their potential. As a matter of fact, this fear is preventing them from really experiencing life as it is meant to be experienced. Remember I said that those people who were dying never talked about this? If you were in their place, would you want to be telling a hospice counselor that you lived your life in fear of negative judgment from other human beings? I think not.

Here is what I want to pass on to you. Those who choose to judge you in a mean-spirited way are not worth your time anyway. If you could focus on accepting yourself without worrying about what others may think you would be free to be who you are and who you are meant to be. The more we try to fit in the mold of what we perceive is acceptable to others in order to avoid judgment, the less we will be able to live freely.

The more you are freely yourself, the more content you will be. Let’s practice together by telling ourselves “WHO CARES”! Now, go out and live in freedom!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director, NECBT

Tips for Parents who have Children Diagnosed with ADHD

Any parent who has a child that has been diagnosed with ADHD can use help managing their lives! The following tips may offer assistance:

STRUCTURE - Children with ADHD need structure to function successfully.

• Providing meals, bath, homework and bedtime as closely as possible at the same time every day can be helpful.
• These kids also benefit by doing their homework in the same place every day.
• Allowing them to do something physical after school instead of sitting down immediately to start their homework can help them to focus.
• Having them break down their work into small manageable “bites” can often be the answer to decreasing their sense of being overwhelmed.
• Giving them 25-30 minute increments for homework or tasks then a 5-10 minute break can also be very effective.
• At home you need to check their homework and ensure they have put it into their book bag. Often they will have completed their homework but forget to turn it in. They will need your patience and your help to stay organized as this is often very challenging for them. Providing a check list for chores, routines and homework can also help your child improve their organization.

PREDICTABILITY- ADHD children need predictability or they tend to get anxious, antsy or act out.

TRANSITIONS - Transitions can be difficult. To decrease their anxiety, provide them with a simple, succinct explanation ahead of time and rehearse the transition with them when appropriate.

BRIEF EXPLANATIONS - Keep your words brief. When our explanations are too long, these kids will often tune out as it is difficult for them to continue concentrating. They often are uncomfortable admitting this at home and school. This leads to moving forward with insufficient information, thus leading to trouble.

HELP WITH SHORT-TERM MEMORY - Most people don’t understand that ADHD kids may have short-term memory problems – you may think that they are not listening but they really are! This is why they don’t recall the directions. What will increase their success is giving them no more than 2 step directions and showing them exactly what you want to do. They learn visually so it is helpful for them to have a picture of the activity. Check off lists can also be helpful with pictures for children who are younger.

RELAXATION - ADHD children frequently act impulsively. They need you to help them slow down, take some deep breaths and look at the consequences of their behavior before just plunging in.  Since they can be anxious it is helpful to teach them relaxation skills:

·         Deep breathing (slowly)

·         Give the whole family the opportunity to have a “calm half hour” when no one talks, no electronics, and everyone does something quietly. This teaches them it is okay to not always be on the go; and relaxation actually feels good!

·         Recognize when your child may be over-stimulated.  

·         Planning less activities in a row or introducing calming activities can go a long way to help your child self regulate.

·         Help your child find some activities that are self soothing is also important.

NOTICE WHAT THEY DO WELL - As with all children, it’s important to notice when they are doing things well and to provide an enthusiastic response.  Children with ADHD often develop a poor sense of self-esteem as adults are correcting them quite a bit. They often feel that they can do nothing right (“Lower your voice, can’t you settle down? Why do you always have to be moving? Why aren’t you paying attention to me? Why can’t you ever do your homework without a scene?”).

COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY - Sometimes therapy can help them to develop a greater belief in themselves as well as provide support to parents who are often feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a key component to your child’s success as it helps them learn that what they think determines how they feel. Learning how to challenge their thoughts can give them an invaluable tool for handling their emotions. Since impatience is often a product of having ADHD, many children can benefit by learning good anger management skills which help them in developing healthy relations and self-control.

HELP THEM TO LEARN HOW TO DO OTHER THINGS WELL - Creating a behavior program where two behaviors are targeted and the child earns a point for each time the target behavior is executed is essential. These points lead up to a reward which increases their incentive to change their behavior. Rewards can be material, extra time with you, choosing what they will have for dinner, staying up later, or having a friend over are a few suggestions. It is essential to ignore the behavior you do not want and reinforce the behavior you do want enthusiastically!

HELP THEM LEARN GOOD SOCIAL SKILLS - In addition, they can use some assistance with social skills. They tend to interrupt peers when they are talking – they are sometimes concerned that they will forget what they want to say! They may need your help in understanding how they represent themselves to others. Rehearsing effective communication, friendship skills, how to handle being bullied, manners and how to decrease their impulsivity, etc., is a way for your child to feel more confident. Help your child to be able to pick out their strengths and state them to themselves often. This helps them to develop positive self-talk.

MOVEMENT IS KEY - Children with ADHD sometimes learn kinesthetically which means they like motion. When their body is occupied it is easier for them to focus (for example, chewing gum, squeezing a squishy ball, using clay, swinging their foot back and forth, etc.).  They require a lot of physical exercise which helps them to ground their energy, decrease overstimulation and hyperactivity. Getting a mini trampoline works well when they need to get their energy out when the weather is inclement. If enrolling them in sports, they do best in a sport such as soccer, hockey, or lacrosse which has continuous movement. Playing baseball may be more difficult as it may be difficult for them to wait their turn.

ADVOCATE FOR THEM IN SCHOOL - Parents play a very crucial role as their child’s advocate in the school system. When your child is diagnosed with ADHD they are entitled to modifications at school which enhances their ability to learn. The law that provides them with the right to modifications is called “The American Disabilities Act” (ADA). Unless they have any learning disabilities they are not qualified as “Special Ed” but rather “Other Health Impaired” under what is called a “504 plan”. Schools will rarely tell you about this option unless you bring it up. Possible modifications:

• Taking tests in a room other than the classroom so there will be fewer distractions
• Getting more time to take a test since their attention may wander. This can also provide them some extra time to check their work as they often rush through to finish, increasing their chances to make careless mistakes.
• They can check in with the school social worker/psychologist at the beginning and the end of the day to process any problems that may have come up.
• They can be allowed to chew gum, use a squishy ball, have a wiggle seat, get up for a sensory break, leave the room for a stretch break or drink of water, bring papers to the office for a teacher, have a classroom job and have the teacher give them a subtle cue when they are off task.

After school activities that allow for expending energy and making friendships are pivotal to their success.

MEDICATION? - You may want to consider options to treat the child’s ADHD with medication. You will need to consult with a good Child Psychiatrist. After the diagnosis is made it is often permissible to obtain the medication from your primary care physician. However, a mental health professional is required to diagnose your child.

Children with ADHD have many gifts such as well developed intuition, sensitivity, creativity, intellectual prowess and unique ways of looking at the world. They can teach us a great deal from their perspective!

Andrea Schear, LCSW

Magnifying the Uncomfortable

The other day my husband, who has been having seasonal allergy problems this year, told me that he heard on the news that this year we are experiencing a “tsunami of pollen”.  In my interesting imagination, I thought of a disaster movie with an actual tsunami of pollen coming toward us all! What a calamity!!! Who would play the hero of the movie…the fighter of the pollen tsunami? Would it be Brad Pitt or some younger buff star?

Actually, I just laughed and told him that this was a classic cognitive distortion, or what we call here at NECBT, a Mental Mishap. The proper name for this is “Magnification”; making something much bigger than it is, or creating mountains out of molehills.  We do this so often with the words that we use. Think of how many times the weatherman said this past winter, “It is absolutely HORRIBLE out there!”.  Or, how many times a co-worker has said to you, “the traffic is TERRIBLE today!”.

How does this dramatic use of language help us? Do we use it to receive sympathy? Or do we use it because it seems true to us?  The first thing I want to explore is the definitions of horrible and terrible. Horrible and terrible have a similar definition: Very shocking and unpleasant. Is the weather or traffic very shocking?  The truth is that it may be unpleasant but it certainly is expected. The use of this language is just magnifying the uncomfortable.

The problem with magnifying what is uncomfortable is that the only thing it does is cause us to feel worse about the normal frustrations of every day life. It doesn’t make us feel better. When we use magnifying words, it clouds our thinking which in turn clouds how we feel. Changing the way we use our words can change the way we feel. Or, as we teach patients, the words we use shape our perception of reality and how we deal with our reality. If we come to work feeling really grumpy because the traffic was “horrible”, how is that going to impact the rest of our day? If instead we came to work acknowledging that some days the traffic is worse than others (a rational thought), we will get on with our work with a healthier outlook and in turn feel calm.

Try to be more aware of your own magnification. As for the pollen tsunami, let’s call it what it is….Spring!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director, NECBT

What is OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) – How to Get it Under Control

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is one of the most debilitating forms of anxiety. It plays on one’s thoughts putting meaning to meaningless things.  OCD pushes one to believe that they are in control of their anxiety by engaging in behaviors that relieve one of those anxious feelings; however, in reality the person is not in control - the OCD is.

A common question people who struggle with OCD tend to ask is “when will these thoughts stop popping into my head or will my OCD completely go away?”  The truth is those thoughts will not stop popping into one’s brain and the OCD will not completely go away. The good news is you can learn to control OCD and learn to live a healthy, productive life by treating the OCD with Interpersonal Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

(I-CBT), Exposure Response Prevention (ERP), and some medication.

So what is Interpersonal Cognitive Behavior Therapy and how can it make OCD easier to live with?  I-CBT is a type of therapy where we learn to identify irrational thoughts and change the way we think. Therefore, we change those well learned irrational thoughts to rational thoughts and begin to feel calmer and act better. Once you learn I-CBT then you can begin to learn and implement Exposure Response prevention (ERP) into your life.

ERP is a component of I-CBT. The individual who is being treated for OCD will be exposed to that feared thought or stimulus which triggers the individual to engage in compulsions. The individual will be blocked from engaging in the compulsions, which will bring the person’s anxiety up and then slowly back down.  The repetition of doing this exercise will cause the brain to habituate. When the brain habituates, the need to engage in compulsions goes to sleep. Once the brain habituates it is important to continue to practice the exposures to prevent an OCD relapse.  You could think of this as a bear going into hibernation. This may seem like a lot of work. However, rationally speaking, it is much more productive then spending and wasting so much of the time that OCD takes out of your life.

Also, it is important to note that I-CBT combined with ERP is extremely effective with specific phobias and other related anxiety disorders.  If you or someone that you know could benefit from our treatment at NECBT, please do not hesitate to call us at 860-430-5515.

David Goldwerd, MHC. I-CBT Clinician

www.necbt.com

I Can't Do That Until........

I was reminded of this phrase today. How many of you have said this?

I can’t ask her out until….

I can’t travel until….

I can’t go to… until…

I can’t put on a bathing suit until …..(yep, spring is here and we women are thinking of the dreaded bathing suits!)

I actually hear this frequently at NECBT. It is what we call a Mental Mishap (general irrationalization) – “Confusing Can’t with Don’t Want To”. Now, I am not saying that every instance of “I can’t” is irrational. An example of this is: I can’t run a mile in 3 minutes; at least not unless I start running now and gradually raise my speed. In truth, I probably would have a heart attack if I tried doing this without starting off slow!

So,…. personal story time. In my mid-40s my children were in middle school or maybe high school. All my adult life I worked as an Administrative Assistant. When I was working as an Office Manager for a group of Psychotherapists, I started to think about going back to school to become a counselor. When I was a teenager I only went to college for a year and over the years I took courses here and there. I had a great deal of education to complete to accomplish this goal. Here was my thought process:

I can’t do this – how are we going to help our boys with their college expenses?

I can’t even think of doing this until my boys are out of school.

I can’t do this – I would be bankrupting our measly retirement funds.

I can’t do this – I am too old!

I can’t do this – I’m afraid I’m not smart enough!

I can go on and on. What other people in my life were able to tell me was that all of these things were excuses. Some were reasonable concerns but none-the-less, excuses. So, I stopped allowing my thinking from preventing myself from doing what I felt led to do.

I finished my Bachelor degree in my 40s and my Master degree in my 50s. I have had the unbelievable experience of helping others since then. My spirit is fed on a daily basis and I have new purpose and meaning in my life. If I had allowed my “I can’ts” to prevent me, I would not be doing what I love today.

Think about some of these others who did not prevent mental illness from living their purpose – they said “I Can!” in spite of this.

Buzz Aldrin – Astronaut – Second man to walk on the moon – Depression

Adam Ant – Performer – Bipolar Disorder

Beethoven – Composer – Believed to have Bipolar Disorder

Drew Carey and Jim Carrey – Comedians – Depression

Winston Churchill – Prime Minister of England – Bipolar

Ernest Hemingway – Author - Depression

Billy Joel – Singer, Songwriter, Composer, Pianist – Depression

Winona Ryder – Panic Attacks

Howie Mandell – Comedian – Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Abraham Lincoln – President of the United States – Depression

How about you? Are you saying “I Can’t” to something you desire? Are you preventing your dreams from coming true? I encourage you: Do not let life pass by through the use of the irrational I Can’ts! You Can!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director, NECBT

Parent Bashing and Lessons Learned

As you can imagine, therapists who work in this field hear a great deal about the issues that parents have caused in their patient’s lives. If I can be completely honest with you, I have caught myself, at times, engaging in parent bashing myself (sorry Mom and Dad!).

Now, let me clarify something from the get-go – there are some really bad parents out there who have caused true trauma in their children’s lives. I do not condone abusive behavior. The parent bashing I am talking about in this article is the finger pointing that we use too much in order to blame our parents for the myriad of issues we have not dealt with in our lives.

As for me, becoming a parent has created a certain compassion for my own parents. I realize how hard it is to parent! There are so many difficult decisions to make, so many emotions to deal with and way too much second guessing and stressing. I realize how very human I am and acknowledge that I have made and continue to make mistakes while raising my children (sorry boys!).

Here’s the deal: my parents were not perfect and neither am I. I have a choice to continue to blame them for my issues or I can think about their parenting (as well as my own issues) in a different way. This is true Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – looking at my thoughts, testing them to see if they are facts, if they make me feel the way I want to feel and do they help me reach whatever my goal may be. By doing this, I have come up with some rational thoughts as well as values that my parents instilled in me.

1.      If you fall down, get back up again. Don’t give up! Failing something does not mean that you are a failure – it just means that you needed to learn something. Try to learn the lesson and move forward.

2.      Also, don’t be afraid to fail. It’s important to challenge yourself to go out of your comfort zone and maybe you will find your true dream. If you are afraid to fail, you will never reach your true potential.

3.      Once you start something, finish it even though you don’t want to. If you decide you want to try baseball, you need to finish the season. This breeds tenacity to push forward even when it is hard.

4.      Don’t expect constant pats on the back – a good work ethic is self rewarding as it means that you are working at your best and brightest.

5.      Stand up for what you believe in. Without strong values or beliefs, it is very hard to have as much meaning and purpose in your life.

6.      Family is extremely important. They know you and love you even when you are unlovable. They also laugh with you and share memories no one else can understand.

7.      Play outside more than inside. The great outdoors has more beauty and fascination than any TV show.

8.      Don’t expect someone to rescue you. Sometimes you have to find the inner strength and self-love to rescue yourself.

Thank you Mom and Dad! Yes, my parents taught me some wonderful things even in their brokenness. What are some of the things your broken parents taught you? How about trying to think in a different way about your parents today and come up with some of the good things they helped you learn. It may change your perspective!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC, CI-CBT

The Erosion of Self-Esteem and Creation of Negative Body Images

What is your body image? How we think about how we look can either positively or negatively impact our self esteem or how we feel about ourselves. Our body image is formed out of every positive and negative experience we have had. Mine started at a young age when my mother complained that she had to buy me “chubbies” instead of wearing the hand-me-downs of my sisters. It has continued to take hits from classmates, friends and most of all from what I call the “tyranny of the media”. Think about all of the images you are bombarded with on a daily basis – the ones that show the perfect bodies, the beautiful faces, and even their seemingly perfect lives. This does not even include the sexualization of women based on their so-called perfection…..and that message can have us question whether we are attractive if we don’t look "perfect".

What I find so disturbing is that children and teens are so impressionable. Our children are literally attacked by images through social media, Youtube videos, magazines, movies, television shows and especially commercials. Here are some disturbing facts, taken from www.nationaleatingdisorders.org.

·         42% of 1st-3rd grade girls want to be thinner (Collins, 1991).

·         In elementary school fewer than 25% of girls diet regularly. Yet those who do know what dieting involves and can talk about calorie restriction and food choices for weight loss fairly effectively (Smolak, 2011; Wertheim et al., 2009).

·         81% of 10 year olds are afraid of being fat (Mellin et al., 1991).

·         46% of 9-11 year-olds are “sometimes” or “very often” on diets, and 82% of their families are “sometimes” or “very often” on diets (Gustafson-Larson & Terry, 1992).

·         Over one-half of teenage girls and nearly one-third of teenage boys use unhealthy weight control behaviors such as skipping meals, fasting, smoking cigarettes, vomiting, and taking laxatives (Neumark-Sztainer, 2005).

·         35-57% of adolescent girls engage in crash dieting, fasting, self-induced vomiting, diet pills, or laxatives. Overweight girls are more likely than normal weight girls to engage in such extreme dieting (Boutelle, Neumark-Sztainer, Story, &Resnick, 2002; Neumark-Sztainer&Hannan, 2001; Wertheim et al., 2009).

·         Even among clearly non-overweight girls, over 1/3 report dieting (Wertheim et al., 2009).

·         Girls who diet frequently are 12 times as likely to binge as girls who don’t diet (Neumark-Sztainer, 2005).

·         Of American elementary school girls who read magazines, 69% say that the pictures influence their concept of the ideal body shape. 47% say the pictures make them want to lose weight (Martin, 2010).

·         The average American woman is 5’4” tall and weighs 165 pounds. The average Miss America winner is 5’7” and weighs 121 pounds (Martin, 2010).

·         The average BMI of Miss America winners has decreased from around 22 in the 1920s to 16.9 in the 2000s. The World Health Organization classifies a normal BMI as falling between 18.5 and 24.9 (Martin, 2010).

Do these statistics disturb you as much as much as they do me?

Bottom line (no pun intended), we are allowing the media to erode the vulnerable self-esteem of our children and teens. Here are some things to think about to help our children, and us – think of it as putting on strong armor so that these messages don’t sink in as negative attacks.

Myth: I want to look like a magazine model in real life. 

Fact: Even models don’t look like their pictures in real life.  There are many tricks to “doctoring” pictures.  Some techniques include airbrushing, computer alterations, special lighting to cast shadows in just the right places, even black and white photography, especially on “muscular” men, so that the definition of muscles is greater.  All types of media trick us into thinking that there are people who look far more “perfect” than any person really ever does.

Fashion models are actually thinner than 98% of women. Why would we allow this low percentage of people regulate how the rest of us feel?

So, how can we fight this? One way is to have a radical acceptance of our body and to develop an attitude of gratitude for what our body actually accomplishes. Here are some of those marvelous accomplishments we take for granted every day:

•         Fights off infection

•         Allows you to move

•         Rewards you with the sight of a sunset

•         Heals the bruises

•         Expresses emotions

•         Creates another human being

•         Defends you and heals you from attack

•         Gives you pain to inform you that something needs to be cared for

•         Releases you from pain

•         Allows you to hear the sound of laughter

•         Refreshes you after a night’s sleep

•         Allows you to touch, hear, smell, see, laugh, cry, scream, and live!

Finally, we are much more than what we look like. We are strong, loving, intelligent…you can name the adjectives for yourself. As for your body - respect it, love it and become comfortable living in and with it! You are so worth it!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC, CI-CBT

GOOD GRIEF!

I can imagine that any person who is in the process of grieving would get aggravated with the title of this blog. Please forgive me if I have offended you and allow me to explain.

You are absolutely correct when you think, “there is nothing good about this grief!”. Grieving is an exhausting holistic process; physically, emotionally and spiritually. There is nothing that “feels good” about grieving. In fact, many wonder if they will ever feel good again! Allow me to encourage you – there will come a time when you will feel better. However, in order for this to happen you need to do some good grief work. It is work! Here is what I mean:

1. Lean into the pain. Ouch, do I have to? No one wants to feel the intense pain that accompanies grief. You do need to allow yourself time to feel this pain; to cry, wail, or be angry. Feeling these emotions and expressing them will help you to process your grief. Crying also helps release much of the tension in your body. It is an important part of grief. 

2. Understand and accept that you are in the wilderness. Imagine that you have been dropped in a field and have no idea where you are, where to go, or what to do to survive. Dr. Alan Wolfelt calls this the wilderness of the soul. It is a dark and lonely place that only you can wander and explore in order to eventually reconstruct a new normality for your life. 

3. Find someone who listens without telling you what to do. This can be a friend, someone in the clergy, a family member or a professional counselor (we have phenomenal counselors at NECBT!). After a few months find a bereavement support group as it can be very helpful to talk with a group of people who understand what you are experiencing. NECBT is starting one soon.

4. Finally, take care of yourself. This means try to drink as much water as you can, try to eat healthy foods, try to get some exercise and find something to do that makes you feel good. This means taking breaks from your grieving. Again, grieving is hard work. You need to take brief vacations from it in order to start reconnecting with the world. 

This is good grief. If you push away the pain, bury your anger, self medicate or don’t acknowledge your experience, this process will take much longer. Also, it will eventually come out in another negative way.  Practice good grief; you will find your way out of the wilderness!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC, CI-CBT