Parent Bashing and Lessons Learned

As you can imagine, therapists who work in this field hear a great deal about the issues that parents have caused in their patient’s lives. If I can be completely honest with you, I have caught myself, at times, engaging in parent bashing myself (sorry Mom and Dad!).

Now, let me clarify something from the get-go – there are some really bad parents out there who have caused true trauma in their children’s lives. I do not condone abusive behavior. The parent bashing I am talking about in this article is the finger pointing that we use too much in order to blame our parents for the myriad of issues we have not dealt with in our lives.

As for me, becoming a parent has created a certain compassion for my own parents. I realize how hard it is to parent! There are so many difficult decisions to make, so many emotions to deal with and way too much second guessing and stressing. I realize how very human I am and acknowledge that I have made and continue to make mistakes while raising my children (sorry boys!).

Here’s the deal: my parents were not perfect and neither am I. I have a choice to continue to blame them for my issues or I can think about their parenting (as well as my own issues) in a different way. This is true Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – looking at my thoughts, testing them to see if they are facts, if they make me feel the way I want to feel and do they help me reach whatever my goal may be. By doing this, I have come up with some rational thoughts as well as values that my parents instilled in me.

1.      If you fall down, get back up again. Don’t give up! Failing something does not mean that you are a failure – it just means that you needed to learn something. Try to learn the lesson and move forward.

2.      Also, don’t be afraid to fail. It’s important to challenge yourself to go out of your comfort zone and maybe you will find your true dream. If you are afraid to fail, you will never reach your true potential.

3.      Once you start something, finish it even though you don’t want to. If you decide you want to try baseball, you need to finish the season. This breeds tenacity to push forward even when it is hard.

4.      Don’t expect constant pats on the back – a good work ethic is self rewarding as it means that you are working at your best and brightest.

5.      Stand up for what you believe in. Without strong values or beliefs, it is very hard to have as much meaning and purpose in your life.

6.      Family is extremely important. They know you and love you even when you are unlovable. They also laugh with you and share memories no one else can understand.

7.      Play outside more than inside. The great outdoors has more beauty and fascination than any TV show.

8.      Don’t expect someone to rescue you. Sometimes you have to find the inner strength and self-love to rescue yourself.

Thank you Mom and Dad! Yes, my parents taught me some wonderful things even in their brokenness. What are some of the things your broken parents taught you? How about trying to think in a different way about your parents today and come up with some of the good things they helped you learn. It may change your perspective!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC, CI-CBT

The Erosion of Self-Esteem and Creation of Negative Body Images

What is your body image? How we think about how we look can either positively or negatively impact our self esteem or how we feel about ourselves. Our body image is formed out of every positive and negative experience we have had. Mine started at a young age when my mother complained that she had to buy me “chubbies” instead of wearing the hand-me-downs of my sisters. It has continued to take hits from classmates, friends and most of all from what I call the “tyranny of the media”. Think about all of the images you are bombarded with on a daily basis – the ones that show the perfect bodies, the beautiful faces, and even their seemingly perfect lives. This does not even include the sexualization of women based on their so-called perfection…..and that message can have us question whether we are attractive if we don’t look "perfect".

What I find so disturbing is that children and teens are so impressionable. Our children are literally attacked by images through social media, Youtube videos, magazines, movies, television shows and especially commercials. Here are some disturbing facts, taken from www.nationaleatingdisorders.org.

·         42% of 1st-3rd grade girls want to be thinner (Collins, 1991).

·         In elementary school fewer than 25% of girls diet regularly. Yet those who do know what dieting involves and can talk about calorie restriction and food choices for weight loss fairly effectively (Smolak, 2011; Wertheim et al., 2009).

·         81% of 10 year olds are afraid of being fat (Mellin et al., 1991).

·         46% of 9-11 year-olds are “sometimes” or “very often” on diets, and 82% of their families are “sometimes” or “very often” on diets (Gustafson-Larson & Terry, 1992).

·         Over one-half of teenage girls and nearly one-third of teenage boys use unhealthy weight control behaviors such as skipping meals, fasting, smoking cigarettes, vomiting, and taking laxatives (Neumark-Sztainer, 2005).

·         35-57% of adolescent girls engage in crash dieting, fasting, self-induced vomiting, diet pills, or laxatives. Overweight girls are more likely than normal weight girls to engage in such extreme dieting (Boutelle, Neumark-Sztainer, Story, &Resnick, 2002; Neumark-Sztainer&Hannan, 2001; Wertheim et al., 2009).

·         Even among clearly non-overweight girls, over 1/3 report dieting (Wertheim et al., 2009).

·         Girls who diet frequently are 12 times as likely to binge as girls who don’t diet (Neumark-Sztainer, 2005).

·         Of American elementary school girls who read magazines, 69% say that the pictures influence their concept of the ideal body shape. 47% say the pictures make them want to lose weight (Martin, 2010).

·         The average American woman is 5’4” tall and weighs 165 pounds. The average Miss America winner is 5’7” and weighs 121 pounds (Martin, 2010).

·         The average BMI of Miss America winners has decreased from around 22 in the 1920s to 16.9 in the 2000s. The World Health Organization classifies a normal BMI as falling between 18.5 and 24.9 (Martin, 2010).

Do these statistics disturb you as much as much as they do me?

Bottom line (no pun intended), we are allowing the media to erode the vulnerable self-esteem of our children and teens. Here are some things to think about to help our children, and us – think of it as putting on strong armor so that these messages don’t sink in as negative attacks.

Myth: I want to look like a magazine model in real life. 

Fact: Even models don’t look like their pictures in real life.  There are many tricks to “doctoring” pictures.  Some techniques include airbrushing, computer alterations, special lighting to cast shadows in just the right places, even black and white photography, especially on “muscular” men, so that the definition of muscles is greater.  All types of media trick us into thinking that there are people who look far more “perfect” than any person really ever does.

Fashion models are actually thinner than 98% of women. Why would we allow this low percentage of people regulate how the rest of us feel?

So, how can we fight this? One way is to have a radical acceptance of our body and to develop an attitude of gratitude for what our body actually accomplishes. Here are some of those marvelous accomplishments we take for granted every day:

•         Fights off infection

•         Allows you to move

•         Rewards you with the sight of a sunset

•         Heals the bruises

•         Expresses emotions

•         Creates another human being

•         Defends you and heals you from attack

•         Gives you pain to inform you that something needs to be cared for

•         Releases you from pain

•         Allows you to hear the sound of laughter

•         Refreshes you after a night’s sleep

•         Allows you to touch, hear, smell, see, laugh, cry, scream, and live!

Finally, we are much more than what we look like. We are strong, loving, intelligent…you can name the adjectives for yourself. As for your body - respect it, love it and become comfortable living in and with it! You are so worth it!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC, CI-CBT

GOOD GRIEF!

I can imagine that any person who is in the process of grieving would get aggravated with the title of this blog. Please forgive me if I have offended you and allow me to explain.

You are absolutely correct when you think, “there is nothing good about this grief!”. Grieving is an exhausting holistic process; physically, emotionally and spiritually. There is nothing that “feels good” about grieving. In fact, many wonder if they will ever feel good again! Allow me to encourage you – there will come a time when you will feel better. However, in order for this to happen you need to do some good grief work. It is work! Here is what I mean:

1. Lean into the pain. Ouch, do I have to? No one wants to feel the intense pain that accompanies grief. You do need to allow yourself time to feel this pain; to cry, wail, or be angry. Feeling these emotions and expressing them will help you to process your grief. Crying also helps release much of the tension in your body. It is an important part of grief. 

2. Understand and accept that you are in the wilderness. Imagine that you have been dropped in a field and have no idea where you are, where to go, or what to do to survive. Dr. Alan Wolfelt calls this the wilderness of the soul. It is a dark and lonely place that only you can wander and explore in order to eventually reconstruct a new normality for your life. 

3. Find someone who listens without telling you what to do. This can be a friend, someone in the clergy, a family member or a professional counselor (we have phenomenal counselors at NECBT!). After a few months find a bereavement support group as it can be very helpful to talk with a group of people who understand what you are experiencing. NECBT is starting one soon.

4. Finally, take care of yourself. This means try to drink as much water as you can, try to eat healthy foods, try to get some exercise and find something to do that makes you feel good. This means taking breaks from your grieving. Again, grieving is hard work. You need to take brief vacations from it in order to start reconnecting with the world. 

This is good grief. If you push away the pain, bury your anger, self medicate or don’t acknowledge your experience, this process will take much longer. Also, it will eventually come out in another negative way.  Practice good grief; you will find your way out of the wilderness!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC, CI-CBT