Parent Bashing and Lessons Learned

As you can imagine, therapists who work in this field hear a great deal about the issues that parents have caused in their patient’s lives. If I can be completely honest with you, I have caught myself, at times, engaging in parent bashing myself (sorry Mom and Dad!).

Now, let me clarify something from the get-go – there are some really bad parents out there who have caused true trauma in their children’s lives. I do not condone abusive behavior. The parent bashing I am talking about in this article is the finger pointing that we use too much in order to blame our parents for the myriad of issues we have not dealt with in our lives.

As for me, becoming a parent has created a certain compassion for my own parents. I realize how hard it is to parent! There are so many difficult decisions to make, so many emotions to deal with and way too much second guessing and stressing. I realize how very human I am and acknowledge that I have made and continue to make mistakes while raising my children (sorry boys!).

Here’s the deal: my parents were not perfect and neither am I. I have a choice to continue to blame them for my issues or I can think about their parenting (as well as my own issues) in a different way. This is true Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – looking at my thoughts, testing them to see if they are facts, if they make me feel the way I want to feel and do they help me reach whatever my goal may be. By doing this, I have come up with some rational thoughts as well as values that my parents instilled in me.

1.      If you fall down, get back up again. Don’t give up! Failing something does not mean that you are a failure – it just means that you needed to learn something. Try to learn the lesson and move forward.

2.      Also, don’t be afraid to fail. It’s important to challenge yourself to go out of your comfort zone and maybe you will find your true dream. If you are afraid to fail, you will never reach your true potential.

3.      Once you start something, finish it even though you don’t want to. If you decide you want to try baseball, you need to finish the season. This breeds tenacity to push forward even when it is hard.

4.      Don’t expect constant pats on the back – a good work ethic is self rewarding as it means that you are working at your best and brightest.

5.      Stand up for what you believe in. Without strong values or beliefs, it is very hard to have as much meaning and purpose in your life.

6.      Family is extremely important. They know you and love you even when you are unlovable. They also laugh with you and share memories no one else can understand.

7.      Play outside more than inside. The great outdoors has more beauty and fascination than any TV show.

8.      Don’t expect someone to rescue you. Sometimes you have to find the inner strength and self-love to rescue yourself.

Thank you Mom and Dad! Yes, my parents taught me some wonderful things even in their brokenness. What are some of the things your broken parents taught you? How about trying to think in a different way about your parents today and come up with some of the good things they helped you learn. It may change your perspective!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC, CI-CBT