WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF ALL OF OUR THOUGHTS WERE IN CARTOON BALLOONS?

Someone posted a message on Facebook that said something like, “Thank goodness I don’t have a cartoon balloon over my head!” I chuckled about this at first and then I started percolatin’ on it. What would happen if everyone could read our thoughts? I wonder if it would be a good thing.  These questions came to me:

Would we become more rational because we would have to temper our negative thinking? Would we judge others less? Would it be more beneficial as we would know exactly where we stand or would that be more hurtful? What would happen to the lying? Would that prevent us from lying? Would we be kinder to each other or would it increase the battles with each other?

Then I started thinking about my own thoughts; the negative ones especially. It would be so embarrassing if everyone could read my thoughts. Then they would see all of those things that I have become so good at hiding. You know, all of those characteristics that we dislike about ourselves that we desperately try to keep under control. And to think of what others would think if they were able to read what I sometimes say to myself - like when I look in the mirror. Those irrational thoughts have been with me a long time and I am still challenging them. Those balloons would also show my weaknesses, my insecurities, my struggle with forgiveness, and my judgmentalism. Yep, all of those negative human traits. Hey, don’t judge me! I know you have some of those too! Yes, that would be pretty bad if others could read my thoughts!

My conclusion? It would create more difficulty if everyone could read each other’s thoughts. I truly believe it is far easier to change my own thinking for the better! That is what Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is all about – change your stinkin’ thinkin’ and help yourself feel better emotionally. It works! I can change my thinking and become less anxious, less depressed or discouraged, less angry, and less whatever negative feeling I can come up with. Cartoon balloons? PERISH THAT THOUGHT!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director

I'VE GOT A BAD CASE OF THE "TO DO'S"

GOT A BAD CASE OF THE TO DO’S!!

Am I dating myself if I tell you that the title of this blog is based on the song by Robert Palmer?  Oh, well…so be it!

I woke up the other morning in kind of a funk with my brain on fire about all of the things that I NEED to do. When I start thinking in this irrational manner, I begin to feel very overwhelmed, unfocused and despondent because I can’t even imagine how I am ever going to get to all of it! I know, this has never happened to you……NOT!

I decided to process this dysfunctional thinking of mine through this blog. What causes this thinking? I know myself very well and can identify that some of this is because I tend to be somewhat task oriented and once I assign myself a task, I want to get it done NOW! This is okay most of the time because it is a great motivator. It is not okay when I have assigned myself (or to be truthful when my bosses assign me) too many things at once. I do know how to prioritize so that is not the problem. The problem is that it is irrational for me to think that I can complete many complex projects immediately, if not sooner! My rigid expectations of myself create the irrational thinking….”I need to get these things done and I already have too much to do this weekend!” “I can’t do this!” “I’ll never get it all done!”

How does this thinking help me? The fact is, it doesn’t. I just become a big, old cranky pants. Who wants to be around a cranky pants? No-one. So, let’s analyze this thinking.

Do I need to get it all done today? Of course not. I just want to!  Yes, that is truly what the problem is. I do have so many projects at home and at work that I want to work on. I want to read the book on personality disorders. I want to read the book on binge eating and dietary addictions. I want to do menu planning for healthy eating. I want to research for our vacation. I want to do some research for something my husband is thinking about. I want, I want, I want! If I then challenge that thinking by stating that I don’t need to get it all done today or this week, then I will not be as overwhelmed. Will my bosses think less of me if I can’t get their projects done today? Probably not; as a matter of fact they probably don’t even have the expectation that I should get it done today. That’s my rigid standard!

Do you have rigid standards for your “To Do” list? Does this make you anxious, frustrated, overwhelmed and cranky? Challenge that thinking. Are there other reasons that your own “To Do” list is doing this to you? Challenge that thinking.

Guess what? The day after I was thinking those irrational thoughts I woke up and thought, “Now what was it I so NEEDED to do?” Oh, guess I didn’t need to do all of that stuff immediately after all.

Be more rational! It is much more healthy!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director

TO JUDGE OR NOT TO JUDGE.....WHO CARES?

Being on the “Back Nine” of my life (that’s a golf term that means that I not a young’un anymore), I can reflect on the variety of ideas I bought into over the years.  Which ones have been effective and which ones have been unhelpful? The idea of practicing daily gratitude has been very effective. The idea of being judged has been the most ineffective and unhelpful idea ever. Why? Because it annihilates confidence, self-esteem, motivation, and the ability to live fully. I like that word “annihilate” – it really captures that sense of destruction.

Growing up in a strict, conservative household as the youngest child of eight, I grew up with judgment. Having a weight problem also created that sense of being judged negatively. In my adult life I had the most eye opening and life changing job that changed my focus and made me look at life differently. I basically began to care less about judgment. This life-changing job was as a Hospice counselor. On a daily basis I worked with people who were terminally ill and the families who were caring for them. Every day I listened to the life stories, the regrets, the joys, and the things that were meaningful. These people lived very much in the moment and never once talked about how they feared being judged in their lives. You see, it didn’t matter to them.

This experience taught me to choose to live more in the moment, enjoying whatever life had to offer and not be afraid to take risks. What does this have to do with judgment? Well, it frees me to NOT CARE about what other people think about what I look like, or whether I say something stupid or act foolish. In the whole scheme of things, why waste a moment worrying about what others think? Most judgments are brief and fleeting. Why should I waste my precious time on earth worrying about these things? My focus is taking care of myself emotionally, physically and spiritually, being there for my family and friends and doing my job to the best of my ability. I’m okay with the knowledge that some won’t like what I look like, what I say or what I do.

Why am I writing about this? Because I am now in a job where I hear from many patients how their fear of being judged negatively is causing them so much anxiety that they are not living to their potential. As a matter of fact, this fear is preventing them from really experiencing life as it is meant to be experienced. Remember I said that those people who were dying never talked about this? If you were in their place, would you want to be telling a hospice counselor that you lived your life in fear of negative judgment from other human beings? I think not.

Here is what I want to pass on to you. Those who choose to judge you in a mean-spirited way are not worth your time anyway. If you could focus on accepting yourself without worrying about what others may think you would be free to be who you are and who you are meant to be. The more we try to fit in the mold of what we perceive is acceptable to others in order to avoid judgment, the less we will be able to live freely.

The more you are freely yourself, the more content you will be. Let’s practice together by telling ourselves “WHO CARES”! Now, go out and live in freedom!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director, NECBT