I was thinking about the word “deserve” today. I was working
with a patient who had very definite ideas of different things that he deserved.
This person had the mistaken belief that he was entitled. I began to challenge
this notion of entitlement specifically because I believe this person did not have
a clue that this is not how life works. If he continues thinking this way he will
have a very difficult time finding satisfying work, quality relationships and a
meaningful life.
So in reality, what do we “deserve”? We deserve (or need)
water, food, and air. We do not deserve to have the newest electronic device,
the highest paying salary, or have people clean up our messes.
Unfortunately, I have seen an increase in this entitlement
thinking lately in my work with kids and teens. Entitlement means “the belief
that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment”.
Inherently means “essentially”. If I thought I was essentially deserving of
special treatment that would mean that I could do what I wanted when I wanted,
have people wait on me and always be treated like a queen. Nice
thought….totally irrational and unrealistic. If I felt this way then how many
employers would want me as an employee? How many people would want to be around
me? Who would want to be my spouse? Nada,
None, Zero. The point is that none of us are deserving of special treatment
just because we exist. We all have
to earn respect, be flexible, compromise and understand that we are not better
than anyone else or less than anyone else.
If our kids believe that they don’t deserve to be made to go
to school, that their parents are supposed to take care of everything for them,
and are entitled to getting everything they want, then we are dreadfully
failing in our true responsibility as parents. It’s time to start teaching our
children Emotional Intelligence instead of Entitlement. Did I hear the question
“What is Emotional Intelligence?” It is:
- How to recognize our own emotions and how those emotions impact others
- How to be aware of others feelings
- How to be motivated towards goals
- How to have empathy
- How to have good social skills
- How to socially adapt to different situations
Emotional Intelligence will help our kids be kind, flexible,
responsible and feel good about themselves. Entitlement will only lead to
disappointment and irresponsibility. I encourage parents to strive to teach
your children Emotional Intelligence – it’s not too late to start eliminating
the entitlement idea and learning the emotionally intelligent way!
Bonnie Lillis
Clinical Director, NECBT
