Rally Toward Resilience

What is resilience? Why are some people more resilient than others? These are questions I have been pondering as of late. I decided to first look at the definition of resilience:  “able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions”

Actually, I like this other definition better because it gives me a better visual: “able to recoil or spring back into shape after bending, stretching, or being compressed.”

Many of my patients express this “being compressed” as debilitation due to major depression. However, being compressed by life events does not necessarily mean depression. All of us experience distress, disappointment and discouragement in life (the 3 “d” words). It is one of those facts of life that frankly stinks. None of us want to experience pain, sorrow or the 3 “d” words; but we all do. The question now is how do we handle these “compression” moments?

I have pondered a few questions. One is that I wonder whether resilient people have an  optimistic personality? If you are an optimist, does that mean you are able to see hope easier? The other question is whether people who have a stubborn streak are more resilient? In other words, stubborn people are not going to allow the 3 “d” words to knock them down. Is it a combination of these?

Many people would consider me as resilient. I am, but it is a process. I rail against the disappointment, distress and discouragement. Sometimes I want to curl up in a ball, most of the time I want to run away, all of the time I process it as long as I need to, challenge the irrationality of it all, and move forward. Why? Because frankly I cannot tolerate the negative emotions! By the way, I am also stubborn and an eternal optimist!

Whether a personality has a resilient “trait” doesn’t matter. What matters is that anyone can learn how to be more resilient if they work on their Interpersonal Cognitive Behavioral Therapy skills. In other words, we can allow our negative emotions and thoughts to take over when we are “bent, stretched and compressed”, or we can challenge those negative thoughts, come up with calmer ones and help ourselves bounce back from what is defeating us in a speedy fashion. It is only through calming those negative thoughts that lead to negative feelings. Create rational, calm thoughts and your emotions (feelings) will become calmer and rational. This is the most effective way to become increase your resilience during personal storms.

Health, happiness and rationality to you this holiday season!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director/NECBT

12 Tips for a Fulfilled Life

I was talking with a patient yesterday who has experienced some broken relationships and I wanted to give him encouragement through the use of personal wisdom I have gained….sometimes the hard way! My holiday gift to all of you who are reading this blog is to share some of these tips.

·         Find purpose, meaning, connection and transcendence in your life.  

Did you know that this is the true meaning of spirituality? Many people equate spirituality with religion. However, you can be spiritual without religion. Remember, spirituality is purpose, meaning, connection and what you personally decide that which is bigger than you. If you can find all of these, life can be gentler and kinder as well as more fulfilling.

·         Compromise without compromising your principles.

Try to see the other’s point of view and try to meet in the middle – unless it compromises your core values.

·         Practice daily gratitude even when you don’t feel grateful.

There is always something to be grateful for – can you see today? Can you hear music? Can you walk, run, breath? Practicing gratitude provides hope when you feel hopeless.

·         Forgive often.

Do not get caught up in the belief that forgiveness means letting the other person off the hook. Forgiveness is for you! If you are able to forgive, you are able to let go of the negative, bitter feelings. Not easy, but so well worth it.

·         People will disappoint.

Many times our expectations will exceed what others can or are willing to do. This will cause disappointment. Practice acceptance of this, grieve it if need be and move forward from it. This is important to do for healthy relationships as well as for your own peace of mind.

·         Along the theme of forgiveness and disappointment – This Too Shall Pass!

Frequently we get caught up in our negative emotions and cannot see that there is something good around the corner. Practice challenging your negative thoughts to help yourself feel better by telling yourself that this bump in the road is temporary.

·         Love as much as you can – then love more!

If you do this then you will find the love you are looking for whether it is for yourself (love within), for others (love without) and/or with your personal spirituality – hopefully you will find all three. 

·         Have a voice and stand up for what you believe is right.

Appropriate assertiveness is important as you will have more of a chance to get your needs met. Speak even if you don’t “feel” listened to. If you do not express your thoughts and feelings appropriately, the negativity will fester and you will become embittered. Even if your needs are not met in the manner you wish, at least you had a voice.

·         Work hard toward your goals.

Give 100% at work, at school or whatever you are doing and you will experience personal satisfaction and self worth in a job well done.

·         Avoid judgment.

Judgment of others is really just being arrogant. We are all broken and faltered – no one is perfect. At the same time, do not worry about others’ judgment of you. This is wasted energy and does not create anything positive in your life. Remember that we are all “works in progress” and if we are doing the best we can then that is all that is expected.

·         Turn your pain into something positive.

Frequently there are lessons to learn when we experience painful circumstances which can be turned into positive. I have learned much compassion through my own painful experiences and now have much meaning and purpose in helping others. Try to figure out what you can learn and challenge the negativity you feel. This can be used for good, is a great way to calm yourself as well as provide inner healing.

·         Show compassion and empathy.

Empathy is “feeling with people”.  Be there for others when they need it most. This has created the most healing in my life. Even if others are not there for me, I will continue to provide it to others. I receive a gift to my spirit whenever I show compassion and empathy to others. This is very precious.

My goodness, my list turned out to be much bigger than I anticipated. My hope is that if you can take one tip on this list and find encouragement, then I am grateful.

Peace, joy and the gift of rationality to all of you in this holiday season!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director, NECBT