GOOD GRIEF!

I can imagine that any person who is in the process of grieving would get aggravated with the title of this blog. Please forgive me if I have offended you and allow me to explain.

You are absolutely correct when you think, “there is nothing good about this grief!”. Grieving is an exhausting holistic process; physically, emotionally and spiritually. There is nothing that “feels good” about grieving. In fact, many wonder if they will ever feel good again! Allow me to encourage you – there will come a time when you will feel better. However, in order for this to happen you need to do some good grief work. It is work! Here is what I mean:

1. Lean into the pain. Ouch, do I have to? No one wants to feel the intense pain that accompanies grief. You do need to allow yourself time to feel this pain; to cry, wail, or be angry. Feeling these emotions and expressing them will help you to process your grief. Crying also helps release much of the tension in your body. It is an important part of grief. 

2. Understand and accept that you are in the wilderness. Imagine that you have been dropped in a field and have no idea where you are, where to go, or what to do to survive. Dr. Alan Wolfelt calls this the wilderness of the soul. It is a dark and lonely place that only you can wander and explore in order to eventually reconstruct a new normality for your life. 

3. Find someone who listens without telling you what to do. This can be a friend, someone in the clergy, a family member or a professional counselor (we have phenomenal counselors at NECBT!). After a few months find a bereavement support group as it can be very helpful to talk with a group of people who understand what you are experiencing. NECBT is starting one soon.

4. Finally, take care of yourself. This means try to drink as much water as you can, try to eat healthy foods, try to get some exercise and find something to do that makes you feel good. This means taking breaks from your grieving. Again, grieving is hard work. You need to take brief vacations from it in order to start reconnecting with the world. 

This is good grief. If you push away the pain, bury your anger, self medicate or don’t acknowledge your experience, this process will take much longer. Also, it will eventually come out in another negative way.  Practice good grief; you will find your way out of the wilderness!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC, CI-CBT