A New Year's Resolution - How About Forgiveness?

I have a confession to make – New Years’ is not my favorite holiday. Even though I understand cognitively the spirit of the holiday as being a new start, there doesn’t seem to be a real meaning behind it. Could it be that I have broken enough New Years’ resolutions over the years that all of the broken commitments feel like a failure to me? Maybe.

However, this year, there is one resolution…..no not resolution; “desire of my heart” that I want to pursue. This year I want to work on those painful moments in life that I have yet to forgive. You know what I’m talking about – those times when someone says or does something (or doesn’t say or do something) that have personally caused pain. Many times the hurt comes from misunderstanding or misinterpreting. Sometimes it may have been intentional. All of the time I am acutely aware it is either due to my or the other person’s brokenness. Yep, even though I am aware, I still carry that burden of unforgiveness at times. Not all the time….just sometimes.

So first, just what does forgiveness mean or not mean? Here is my list:

• To give up resentment and anger towards someone
• To free yourself from bitterness
• Does not mean to condone the other person’s behavior
• Does not deny the other person’s responsibility
• Does not require the other person to say they are sorry or change
• Does not mean forgetting
• Does not mean you need to continue a relationship with that person

What did you notice about this list? What I notice is that it only takes me to forgive – it does not require me and the offending party together. I also notice that if I choose to hold onto being unforgiving, then it is only me that suffers. The other party is not suffering (generally). Therefore, I am only hurting myself by keeping that darkness in my heart.

Some other thoughts about Forgiveness:

• It is a choice – it is active, not passive (or passive aggressive)
• It is an attitude – you can look at your own perception and see that it may not be a fact (irrational thoughts!)
• Forgiving is like grief – you may need to grieve the wound
• It is empowering (freedom!)
• It is a process – doesn’t happen overnight. It needs to be worked on over and over until you can finally move forward from it.
• The hardest person to forgive may be you.

Ouch – did you read that last one? We are frequently much harder on ourselves than we are on others. Who said we were perfect? Why do we hold ourselves to impossible standards? Be kind to yourself – learn from your mistake, forgive yourself and let it go.

The best way for me to forgive is to use empathy. Empathy is feeling with people or walking in their shoes. Think about it; have you unintentionally caused someone pain? Of course! If we acknowledge that we are all broken, we can look at the other person with compassion by thinking that they are coming from a broken place. Remember the old adage “To err is human”? Yes, we all make mistakes. We all need to be forgiven.

2016 is the year of letting go of the pain others have caused me and being kinder to myself. 2016 will be the year of Forgiveness. I challenge you to join me in this endeavor!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director

New England Center for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy