Monday, August 22, 2016

SHY OR SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER - IS THERE A DIFFERENCE?

As a mother I only wanted for my children to become responsible human beings who had compassionate hearts and good people in their lives. Did you notice that I didn’t say anything about success? That’s because my first sentence is what I consider success. On to my main point; I also wanted my children to be who they are, to follow their own path without telling them who they should be.

Every year at the parent-teacher conferences I would be advised that my oldest child was “too quiet” and not outgoing enough. At first I accepted this observation and as a first time mother wondered whether I was doing something wrong. This is very common with first time mothers….always the questioning of parenting skills….always the guilt that maybe I wasn’t being a good enough parent. As the years went by, my attitude changed. I began to feel resentment toward the teachers. Here is my child, getting good grades, never getting into trouble, and having friends and the teacher is complaining that he is “too quiet”??

Why was I resentful? Because I know my child and I know his strengths and weaknesses. I do not consider his being quiet a weakness. My son was shy just like his mother. My son was an introvert. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert. Introverts just get more benefit from being introspective instead of getting their energy from being with people. Having said this, if my son was socially anxious it may have been a different story.

Now let’s talk about the difference between being shy and having social anxiety. The main question to ask if you wonder whether your child is shy, introverted or has social anxiety is this: Does this behavior negatively impact the child’s life? If the child seems well adjusted and mostly content, then the child is just shy. However, if you child seems anxious and does not interact much, perhaps it is social anxiety.

Social Anxiety Disorder, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders, version 5 (DSM-V) has symptoms of marked fear about one or more social situations in which the person is exposed to possible scrutiny by others, the social situations are avoided or endured with intense anxiety, the fear is out of proportion to the actual threat and causes clinically significant distress or impairment. Frequently people who have this disorder feel that they are being watched and judged. Usually they feel that they are being judged negatively. In most cases, they believe that they will behave incompetently or inappropriately and that they will suffer disastrous consequences. These people make more comparisons than the rest of us and compare themselves with people they perceive are better than they are. This way of living can be very distressing for a child, the parent of the child and for adults. Fear not! There is help!

Interpersonal Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – I-CBT is a very effective method for treating children and adults with Social Anxiety Disorder. In order to change feelings of anxiety and negative behavior, the thoughts have to be changed. We teach children to look at their thoughts realistically, challenge their anxious thinking to calm thinking and help them engage with others in a rational way. We look at their negative core beliefs (self perceptions) and help them to challenge those effectively. We help them stop avoiding stressful situations by slowly exposing them to these so that they can learn that not everyone is judging them (and even if they are it doesn’t mean it is a negative judgment.). We search to see if they have received a negative message somehow that has changed their self-perception and help them challenge this rationally. We have them join our children or teen groups so that they can learn appropriate interactions, as well as being more emotionally intelligent. We also teach their parents how to appropriately reinforce the behaviors they want their children to exhibit. All of these interventions, along with the child, teen or adult’s motivation for change can be extremely effective.

So what happened to my child? He has a wonderful soul mate, a terrific son of his own, and is working in the job that he enjoys. He still is a quiet guy but has great insight and empathy. It’s okay to be shy unless it is negatively impacting your life. He and I are proof!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC
New England Center for CBT


Bonnie Lillis is a Psychotherapist with New England Center for CBT (NECBT), located in Glastonbury, Connecticut.  NECBT specializes in the highly effective Interpersonal Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (I-CBT) modality invented by Dr. Thomas Cordier. I-CBT is a hybrid of Emotional Intelligence and CBT rudiments. I-CBT empowers patients to overcome and subdue their mental health issues by changing their thoughts. You can learn more about I-CBT at necbt.com. Coming soon – I-CBT.org.

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