WHAT TYPE OF PARENT ARE YOU?

Parenting….it is one of the toughest jobs in the world. It is also one of the most rewarding! When we parent, we have to make so many on the spot decisions, deal with lack of sleep, worry, and have so much thrown at us all at once. How we deal with the stressors, behavioral concerns, etc. can have so much impact on our children. It is so important to learn what style you use and whether it is effective. In the parenting seminars we teach at NECBT, we talk about four common parenting styles – Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive and Uninvolved. In teaching these seminars, I really think we need to add a fifth – The Helicopterer.

First, let’s define the first four styles:

Authoritarian – Strict rules, high demands but unresponsive to children, punishment and explanations such as “because I said so!”

Authoritative – Establishes rules for conduct but more democratic. Parents are responsive to their children and work toward helping their children become responsible and self-controlled.

Permissive – Parent is lenient and responsive, indulgent with few demands. Low expectations for their child’s self-control. They avoid confrontation with their children. They are more like a friend

Uninvolved – Few demands, sometimes neglectful, sometimes rejecting or emotionally or physically abusive, not involved in children’s lives.

Helicopter Parenting is yet another style – and I think this may be a new style that is not healthy.  Helicopter Parenting is defined as “A parent who takes an overprotective or excessive interest in the life of their child”. This is the total opposite of an uninvolved parent. This is a hyper-involved parent! Why is this so bad? It sounds pretty good to be protective and interested….doesn’t it?

Here are some of the qualities of a helicopter parent:

• Manages most if not all of their children’s activities
• Believes everything their child tells them without clarification
• Frequently confronts other children, parents and teachers on their child’s behalf
• Basically, solve all of their child’s problems without allowing them to solve them on their own.

Here are some of the negative consequences for the children of helicopter parents:

• Anxiety and fear
• Inability to solve problems
• Learn avoidance as a way of coping
• Inability to deal with friendship issues
• Inability to develop social skills through unstructured play
• Inability to self-sooth or calm themselves

Some of you may remember when kids were sent outside to play “until the streetlights came on”.  In my childhood, we were allowed to go out and explore, make new friends, fight and make up with friends, learn and discover how to work within groups of friends, deal with whatever came up. There is something to be said for learning self-sufficiency, making our own mistakes and figuring out what to do to fix them, and feel the struggles as well as the sense of accomplishment when we came out of them through the use of our own devices.  I acknowledge we are in a different time; however, we as parents can learn how to let go a bit and help our kids make some of their own decisions, process with them their mistakes, and help them to become self-sufficient, confident and responsible. It’s kind of like having them on an invisible rope tied around their waist – you let the rope out occasionally and, when needed, pull it back a bit. It is allowing them to explore and discover, fall down occasionally, and being there to help them get back up again.

The good news is that we are able to help helicopter parents (as well as any parent!) through teaching I-CBT skills and a different, more effective way to get the behaviors they want from their kids through our Family Systems Treatment Method which includes Parent Management Training. We can also empower their children in individual and group therapy to help themselves learn how to challenge their irrational thinking, calm themselves and come up with more functional, rational thinking.

Let go a bit Helicopterers! Imagine a more rational, calm household with children who exhibit increased self-sufficiency. Sounds better, doesn’t it?

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF ALL OF OUR THOUGHTS WERE IN CARTOON BALLOONS?

Someone posted a message on Facebook that said something like, “Thank goodness I don’t have a cartoon balloon over my head!” I chuckled about this at first and then I started percolatin’ on it. What would happen if everyone could read our thoughts? I wonder if it would be a good thing.  These questions came to me:

Would we become more rational because we would have to temper our negative thinking? Would we judge others less? Would it be more beneficial as we would know exactly where we stand or would that be more hurtful? What would happen to the lying? Would that prevent us from lying? Would we be kinder to each other or would it increase the battles with each other?

Then I started thinking about my own thoughts; the negative ones especially. It would be so embarrassing if everyone could read my thoughts. Then they would see all of those things that I have become so good at hiding. You know, all of those characteristics that we dislike about ourselves that we desperately try to keep under control. And to think of what others would think if they were able to read what I sometimes say to myself - like when I look in the mirror. Those irrational thoughts have been with me a long time and I am still challenging them. Those balloons would also show my weaknesses, my insecurities, my struggle with forgiveness, and my judgmentalism. Yep, all of those negative human traits. Hey, don’t judge me! I know you have some of those too! Yes, that would be pretty bad if others could read my thoughts!

My conclusion? It would create more difficulty if everyone could read each other’s thoughts. I truly believe it is far easier to change my own thinking for the better! That is what Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is all about – change your stinkin’ thinkin’ and help yourself feel better emotionally. It works! I can change my thinking and become less anxious, less depressed or discouraged, less angry, and less whatever negative feeling I can come up with. Cartoon balloons? PERISH THAT THOUGHT!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director

I'VE GOT A BAD CASE OF THE "TO DO'S"

GOT A BAD CASE OF THE TO DO’S!!

Am I dating myself if I tell you that the title of this blog is based on the song by Robert Palmer?  Oh, well…so be it!

I woke up the other morning in kind of a funk with my brain on fire about all of the things that I NEED to do. When I start thinking in this irrational manner, I begin to feel very overwhelmed, unfocused and despondent because I can’t even imagine how I am ever going to get to all of it! I know, this has never happened to you……NOT!

I decided to process this dysfunctional thinking of mine through this blog. What causes this thinking? I know myself very well and can identify that some of this is because I tend to be somewhat task oriented and once I assign myself a task, I want to get it done NOW! This is okay most of the time because it is a great motivator. It is not okay when I have assigned myself (or to be truthful when my bosses assign me) too many things at once. I do know how to prioritize so that is not the problem. The problem is that it is irrational for me to think that I can complete many complex projects immediately, if not sooner! My rigid expectations of myself create the irrational thinking….”I need to get these things done and I already have too much to do this weekend!” “I can’t do this!” “I’ll never get it all done!”

How does this thinking help me? The fact is, it doesn’t. I just become a big, old cranky pants. Who wants to be around a cranky pants? No-one. So, let’s analyze this thinking.

Do I need to get it all done today? Of course not. I just want to!  Yes, that is truly what the problem is. I do have so many projects at home and at work that I want to work on. I want to read the book on personality disorders. I want to read the book on binge eating and dietary addictions. I want to do menu planning for healthy eating. I want to research for our vacation. I want to do some research for something my husband is thinking about. I want, I want, I want! If I then challenge that thinking by stating that I don’t need to get it all done today or this week, then I will not be as overwhelmed. Will my bosses think less of me if I can’t get their projects done today? Probably not; as a matter of fact they probably don’t even have the expectation that I should get it done today. That’s my rigid standard!

Do you have rigid standards for your “To Do” list? Does this make you anxious, frustrated, overwhelmed and cranky? Challenge that thinking. Are there other reasons that your own “To Do” list is doing this to you? Challenge that thinking.

Guess what? The day after I was thinking those irrational thoughts I woke up and thought, “Now what was it I so NEEDED to do?” Oh, guess I didn’t need to do all of that stuff immediately after all.

Be more rational! It is much more healthy!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director

TO JUDGE OR NOT TO JUDGE.....WHO CARES?

Being on the “Back Nine” of my life (that’s a golf term that means that I not a young’un anymore), I can reflect on the variety of ideas I bought into over the years.  Which ones have been effective and which ones have been unhelpful? The idea of practicing daily gratitude has been very effective. The idea of being judged has been the most ineffective and unhelpful idea ever. Why? Because it annihilates confidence, self-esteem, motivation, and the ability to live fully. I like that word “annihilate” – it really captures that sense of destruction.

Growing up in a strict, conservative household as the youngest child of eight, I grew up with judgment. Having a weight problem also created that sense of being judged negatively. In my adult life I had the most eye opening and life changing job that changed my focus and made me look at life differently. I basically began to care less about judgment. This life-changing job was as a Hospice counselor. On a daily basis I worked with people who were terminally ill and the families who were caring for them. Every day I listened to the life stories, the regrets, the joys, and the things that were meaningful. These people lived very much in the moment and never once talked about how they feared being judged in their lives. You see, it didn’t matter to them.

This experience taught me to choose to live more in the moment, enjoying whatever life had to offer and not be afraid to take risks. What does this have to do with judgment? Well, it frees me to NOT CARE about what other people think about what I look like, or whether I say something stupid or act foolish. In the whole scheme of things, why waste a moment worrying about what others think? Most judgments are brief and fleeting. Why should I waste my precious time on earth worrying about these things? My focus is taking care of myself emotionally, physically and spiritually, being there for my family and friends and doing my job to the best of my ability. I’m okay with the knowledge that some won’t like what I look like, what I say or what I do.

Why am I writing about this? Because I am now in a job where I hear from many patients how their fear of being judged negatively is causing them so much anxiety that they are not living to their potential. As a matter of fact, this fear is preventing them from really experiencing life as it is meant to be experienced. Remember I said that those people who were dying never talked about this? If you were in their place, would you want to be telling a hospice counselor that you lived your life in fear of negative judgment from other human beings? I think not.

Here is what I want to pass on to you. Those who choose to judge you in a mean-spirited way are not worth your time anyway. If you could focus on accepting yourself without worrying about what others may think you would be free to be who you are and who you are meant to be. The more we try to fit in the mold of what we perceive is acceptable to others in order to avoid judgment, the less we will be able to live freely.

The more you are freely yourself, the more content you will be. Let’s practice together by telling ourselves “WHO CARES”! Now, go out and live in freedom!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director, NECBT

Tips for Parents who have Children Diagnosed with ADHD

Any parent who has a child that has been diagnosed with ADHD can use help managing their lives! The following tips may offer assistance:

STRUCTURE - Children with ADHD need structure to function successfully.

• Providing meals, bath, homework and bedtime as closely as possible at the same time every day can be helpful.
• These kids also benefit by doing their homework in the same place every day.
• Allowing them to do something physical after school instead of sitting down immediately to start their homework can help them to focus.
• Having them break down their work into small manageable “bites” can often be the answer to decreasing their sense of being overwhelmed.
• Giving them 25-30 minute increments for homework or tasks then a 5-10 minute break can also be very effective.
• At home you need to check their homework and ensure they have put it into their book bag. Often they will have completed their homework but forget to turn it in. They will need your patience and your help to stay organized as this is often very challenging for them. Providing a check list for chores, routines and homework can also help your child improve their organization.

PREDICTABILITY- ADHD children need predictability or they tend to get anxious, antsy or act out.

TRANSITIONS - Transitions can be difficult. To decrease their anxiety, provide them with a simple, succinct explanation ahead of time and rehearse the transition with them when appropriate.

BRIEF EXPLANATIONS - Keep your words brief. When our explanations are too long, these kids will often tune out as it is difficult for them to continue concentrating. They often are uncomfortable admitting this at home and school. This leads to moving forward with insufficient information, thus leading to trouble.

HELP WITH SHORT-TERM MEMORY - Most people don’t understand that ADHD kids may have short-term memory problems – you may think that they are not listening but they really are! This is why they don’t recall the directions. What will increase their success is giving them no more than 2 step directions and showing them exactly what you want to do. They learn visually so it is helpful for them to have a picture of the activity. Check off lists can also be helpful with pictures for children who are younger.

RELAXATION - ADHD children frequently act impulsively. They need you to help them slow down, take some deep breaths and look at the consequences of their behavior before just plunging in.  Since they can be anxious it is helpful to teach them relaxation skills:

·         Deep breathing (slowly)

·         Give the whole family the opportunity to have a “calm half hour” when no one talks, no electronics, and everyone does something quietly. This teaches them it is okay to not always be on the go; and relaxation actually feels good!

·         Recognize when your child may be over-stimulated.  

·         Planning less activities in a row or introducing calming activities can go a long way to help your child self regulate.

·         Help your child find some activities that are self soothing is also important.

NOTICE WHAT THEY DO WELL - As with all children, it’s important to notice when they are doing things well and to provide an enthusiastic response.  Children with ADHD often develop a poor sense of self-esteem as adults are correcting them quite a bit. They often feel that they can do nothing right (“Lower your voice, can’t you settle down? Why do you always have to be moving? Why aren’t you paying attention to me? Why can’t you ever do your homework without a scene?”).

COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY - Sometimes therapy can help them to develop a greater belief in themselves as well as provide support to parents who are often feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a key component to your child’s success as it helps them learn that what they think determines how they feel. Learning how to challenge their thoughts can give them an invaluable tool for handling their emotions. Since impatience is often a product of having ADHD, many children can benefit by learning good anger management skills which help them in developing healthy relations and self-control.

HELP THEM TO LEARN HOW TO DO OTHER THINGS WELL - Creating a behavior program where two behaviors are targeted and the child earns a point for each time the target behavior is executed is essential. These points lead up to a reward which increases their incentive to change their behavior. Rewards can be material, extra time with you, choosing what they will have for dinner, staying up later, or having a friend over are a few suggestions. It is essential to ignore the behavior you do not want and reinforce the behavior you do want enthusiastically!

HELP THEM LEARN GOOD SOCIAL SKILLS - In addition, they can use some assistance with social skills. They tend to interrupt peers when they are talking – they are sometimes concerned that they will forget what they want to say! They may need your help in understanding how they represent themselves to others. Rehearsing effective communication, friendship skills, how to handle being bullied, manners and how to decrease their impulsivity, etc., is a way for your child to feel more confident. Help your child to be able to pick out their strengths and state them to themselves often. This helps them to develop positive self-talk.

MOVEMENT IS KEY - Children with ADHD sometimes learn kinesthetically which means they like motion. When their body is occupied it is easier for them to focus (for example, chewing gum, squeezing a squishy ball, using clay, swinging their foot back and forth, etc.).  They require a lot of physical exercise which helps them to ground their energy, decrease overstimulation and hyperactivity. Getting a mini trampoline works well when they need to get their energy out when the weather is inclement. If enrolling them in sports, they do best in a sport such as soccer, hockey, or lacrosse which has continuous movement. Playing baseball may be more difficult as it may be difficult for them to wait their turn.

ADVOCATE FOR THEM IN SCHOOL - Parents play a very crucial role as their child’s advocate in the school system. When your child is diagnosed with ADHD they are entitled to modifications at school which enhances their ability to learn. The law that provides them with the right to modifications is called “The American Disabilities Act” (ADA). Unless they have any learning disabilities they are not qualified as “Special Ed” but rather “Other Health Impaired” under what is called a “504 plan”. Schools will rarely tell you about this option unless you bring it up. Possible modifications:

• Taking tests in a room other than the classroom so there will be fewer distractions
• Getting more time to take a test since their attention may wander. This can also provide them some extra time to check their work as they often rush through to finish, increasing their chances to make careless mistakes.
• They can check in with the school social worker/psychologist at the beginning and the end of the day to process any problems that may have come up.
• They can be allowed to chew gum, use a squishy ball, have a wiggle seat, get up for a sensory break, leave the room for a stretch break or drink of water, bring papers to the office for a teacher, have a classroom job and have the teacher give them a subtle cue when they are off task.

After school activities that allow for expending energy and making friendships are pivotal to their success.

MEDICATION? - You may want to consider options to treat the child’s ADHD with medication. You will need to consult with a good Child Psychiatrist. After the diagnosis is made it is often permissible to obtain the medication from your primary care physician. However, a mental health professional is required to diagnose your child.

Children with ADHD have many gifts such as well developed intuition, sensitivity, creativity, intellectual prowess and unique ways of looking at the world. They can teach us a great deal from their perspective!

Andrea Schear, LCSW

Magnifying the Uncomfortable

The other day my husband, who has been having seasonal allergy problems this year, told me that he heard on the news that this year we are experiencing a “tsunami of pollen”.  In my interesting imagination, I thought of a disaster movie with an actual tsunami of pollen coming toward us all! What a calamity!!! Who would play the hero of the movie…the fighter of the pollen tsunami? Would it be Brad Pitt or some younger buff star?

Actually, I just laughed and told him that this was a classic cognitive distortion, or what we call here at NECBT, a Mental Mishap. The proper name for this is “Magnification”; making something much bigger than it is, or creating mountains out of molehills.  We do this so often with the words that we use. Think of how many times the weatherman said this past winter, “It is absolutely HORRIBLE out there!”.  Or, how many times a co-worker has said to you, “the traffic is TERRIBLE today!”.

How does this dramatic use of language help us? Do we use it to receive sympathy? Or do we use it because it seems true to us?  The first thing I want to explore is the definitions of horrible and terrible. Horrible and terrible have a similar definition: Very shocking and unpleasant. Is the weather or traffic very shocking?  The truth is that it may be unpleasant but it certainly is expected. The use of this language is just magnifying the uncomfortable.

The problem with magnifying what is uncomfortable is that the only thing it does is cause us to feel worse about the normal frustrations of every day life. It doesn’t make us feel better. When we use magnifying words, it clouds our thinking which in turn clouds how we feel. Changing the way we use our words can change the way we feel. Or, as we teach patients, the words we use shape our perception of reality and how we deal with our reality. If we come to work feeling really grumpy because the traffic was “horrible”, how is that going to impact the rest of our day? If instead we came to work acknowledging that some days the traffic is worse than others (a rational thought), we will get on with our work with a healthier outlook and in turn feel calm.

Try to be more aware of your own magnification. As for the pollen tsunami, let’s call it what it is….Spring!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director, NECBT

What is OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) – How to Get it Under Control

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is one of the most debilitating forms of anxiety. It plays on one’s thoughts putting meaning to meaningless things.  OCD pushes one to believe that they are in control of their anxiety by engaging in behaviors that relieve one of those anxious feelings; however, in reality the person is not in control - the OCD is.

A common question people who struggle with OCD tend to ask is “when will these thoughts stop popping into my head or will my OCD completely go away?”  The truth is those thoughts will not stop popping into one’s brain and the OCD will not completely go away. The good news is you can learn to control OCD and learn to live a healthy, productive life by treating the OCD with Interpersonal Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

(I-CBT), Exposure Response Prevention (ERP), and some medication.

So what is Interpersonal Cognitive Behavior Therapy and how can it make OCD easier to live with?  I-CBT is a type of therapy where we learn to identify irrational thoughts and change the way we think. Therefore, we change those well learned irrational thoughts to rational thoughts and begin to feel calmer and act better. Once you learn I-CBT then you can begin to learn and implement Exposure Response prevention (ERP) into your life.

ERP is a component of I-CBT. The individual who is being treated for OCD will be exposed to that feared thought or stimulus which triggers the individual to engage in compulsions. The individual will be blocked from engaging in the compulsions, which will bring the person’s anxiety up and then slowly back down.  The repetition of doing this exercise will cause the brain to habituate. When the brain habituates, the need to engage in compulsions goes to sleep. Once the brain habituates it is important to continue to practice the exposures to prevent an OCD relapse.  You could think of this as a bear going into hibernation. This may seem like a lot of work. However, rationally speaking, it is much more productive then spending and wasting so much of the time that OCD takes out of your life.

Also, it is important to note that I-CBT combined with ERP is extremely effective with specific phobias and other related anxiety disorders.  If you or someone that you know could benefit from our treatment at NECBT, please do not hesitate to call us at 860-430-5515.

David Goldwerd, MHC. I-CBT Clinician

www.necbt.com