Moving Toward the Middle Ground

I have someone in my life that tends to live in the zone of inflexibility. What is this? It is called “rigid thinking” or thinking in black and white terms. I like these definitions: “unable to bend or be forced out of shape; not flexible, not able to be changed or adapted.” Now, before I go on I should say that there are occasions that we all have rigid thinking, especially when it comes to something that pushes against a strong belief system. Rigid thinking only becomes problematic when our passion to be right overrides our rationality.

Another term for this is all or nothing thinking – what we call a mental mishap taught through Interpersonal Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. What is the matter with this type of thinking?  THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND! Unfortunately, this type of thinking is so problematic because it does not allow for the sharing of ideas, being able to communicate effectively, and can be extremely destructive in relationships.

One of the things I notice about people who live in the zone of inflexibility is that they seem to feel that they are right. There is this righteousness (arrogance?) that comes across in their language. Almost as if they are thinking, “how can you not agree with me???” When I hear a patient express this type of thinking, I frequently hear myself say something like, “how is this thinking helping your relationship? Will your rigidity hurt or help your relationship?” You see frequently people who have all or nothing thinking often struggle in their relationships. It is hard to live with someone who is inflexible.

It is my job to point out the irrationality of this form of thinking. With I-CBT I ask people whether their thinking is actually factual or is it just their interpretation. I ask them if they are getting their needs met, whether they ultimately end up feeling good and meet their goals. The answer is generally no, no and no…..yet somehow it is hard for them to challenge their irrationality even if they can see that it doesn’t help them. This is one of the most difficult challenges for an I-CBT clinician – to watch such self-destructive behavior all in the name of feeling “I’m right and you’re wrong!!”

Guess what – there is always a middle ground. It occurs when we are able to step back, push the emotion aside, listen to the other person, challenge our irrational thinking and then compromise. Even if it means to agree to disagree, it still has a much better outcome than pushing others away with inflexibility.

What are your areas of rigid thinking? Do you recognize when you are using this? If not, ask a family member. I bet they would be happy to educate you! Next see if you can become more aware when it happens and then use I-CBT – life can be much more rational when you can learn where the middle ground lies.

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

5/27/16  

I'VE GOT A BAD CASE OF THE "TO DO'S"

GOT A BAD CASE OF THE TO DO’S!!

Am I dating myself if I tell you that the title of this blog is based on the song by Robert Palmer?  Oh, well…so be it!

I woke up the other morning in kind of a funk with my brain on fire about all of the things that I NEED to do. When I start thinking in this irrational manner, I begin to feel very overwhelmed, unfocused and despondent because I can’t even imagine how I am ever going to get to all of it! I know, this has never happened to you……NOT!

I decided to process this dysfunctional thinking of mine through this blog. What causes this thinking? I know myself very well and can identify that some of this is because I tend to be somewhat task oriented and once I assign myself a task, I want to get it done NOW! This is okay most of the time because it is a great motivator. It is not okay when I have assigned myself (or to be truthful when my bosses assign me) too many things at once. I do know how to prioritize so that is not the problem. The problem is that it is irrational for me to think that I can complete many complex projects immediately, if not sooner! My rigid expectations of myself create the irrational thinking….”I need to get these things done and I already have too much to do this weekend!” “I can’t do this!” “I’ll never get it all done!”

How does this thinking help me? The fact is, it doesn’t. I just become a big, old cranky pants. Who wants to be around a cranky pants? No-one. So, let’s analyze this thinking.

Do I need to get it all done today? Of course not. I just want to!  Yes, that is truly what the problem is. I do have so many projects at home and at work that I want to work on. I want to read the book on personality disorders. I want to read the book on binge eating and dietary addictions. I want to do menu planning for healthy eating. I want to research for our vacation. I want to do some research for something my husband is thinking about. I want, I want, I want! If I then challenge that thinking by stating that I don’t need to get it all done today or this week, then I will not be as overwhelmed. Will my bosses think less of me if I can’t get their projects done today? Probably not; as a matter of fact they probably don’t even have the expectation that I should get it done today. That’s my rigid standard!

Do you have rigid standards for your “To Do” list? Does this make you anxious, frustrated, overwhelmed and cranky? Challenge that thinking. Are there other reasons that your own “To Do” list is doing this to you? Challenge that thinking.

Guess what? The day after I was thinking those irrational thoughts I woke up and thought, “Now what was it I so NEEDED to do?” Oh, guess I didn’t need to do all of that stuff immediately after all.

Be more rational! It is much more healthy!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director