TO JUDGE OR NOT TO JUDGE.....WHO CARES?

Being on the “Back Nine” of my life (that’s a golf term that means that I not a young’un anymore), I can reflect on the variety of ideas I bought into over the years.  Which ones have been effective and which ones have been unhelpful? The idea of practicing daily gratitude has been very effective. The idea of being judged has been the most ineffective and unhelpful idea ever. Why? Because it annihilates confidence, self-esteem, motivation, and the ability to live fully. I like that word “annihilate” – it really captures that sense of destruction.

Growing up in a strict, conservative household as the youngest child of eight, I grew up with judgment. Having a weight problem also created that sense of being judged negatively. In my adult life I had the most eye opening and life changing job that changed my focus and made me look at life differently. I basically began to care less about judgment. This life-changing job was as a Hospice counselor. On a daily basis I worked with people who were terminally ill and the families who were caring for them. Every day I listened to the life stories, the regrets, the joys, and the things that were meaningful. These people lived very much in the moment and never once talked about how they feared being judged in their lives. You see, it didn’t matter to them.

This experience taught me to choose to live more in the moment, enjoying whatever life had to offer and not be afraid to take risks. What does this have to do with judgment? Well, it frees me to NOT CARE about what other people think about what I look like, or whether I say something stupid or act foolish. In the whole scheme of things, why waste a moment worrying about what others think? Most judgments are brief and fleeting. Why should I waste my precious time on earth worrying about these things? My focus is taking care of myself emotionally, physically and spiritually, being there for my family and friends and doing my job to the best of my ability. I’m okay with the knowledge that some won’t like what I look like, what I say or what I do.

Why am I writing about this? Because I am now in a job where I hear from many patients how their fear of being judged negatively is causing them so much anxiety that they are not living to their potential. As a matter of fact, this fear is preventing them from really experiencing life as it is meant to be experienced. Remember I said that those people who were dying never talked about this? If you were in their place, would you want to be telling a hospice counselor that you lived your life in fear of negative judgment from other human beings? I think not.

Here is what I want to pass on to you. Those who choose to judge you in a mean-spirited way are not worth your time anyway. If you could focus on accepting yourself without worrying about what others may think you would be free to be who you are and who you are meant to be. The more we try to fit in the mold of what we perceive is acceptable to others in order to avoid judgment, the less we will be able to live freely.

The more you are freely yourself, the more content you will be. Let’s practice together by telling ourselves “WHO CARES”! Now, go out and live in freedom!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director, NECBT