WHAT TYPE OF PARENT ARE YOU?

Parenting….it is one of the toughest jobs in the world. It is also one of the most rewarding! When we parent, we have to make so many on the spot decisions, deal with lack of sleep, worry, and have so much thrown at us all at once. How we deal with the stressors, behavioral concerns, etc. can have so much impact on our children. It is so important to learn what style you use and whether it is effective. In the parenting seminars we teach at NECBT, we talk about four common parenting styles – Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive and Uninvolved. In teaching these seminars, I really think we need to add a fifth – The Helicopterer.

First, let’s define the first four styles:

Authoritarian – Strict rules, high demands but unresponsive to children, punishment and explanations such as “because I said so!”

Authoritative – Establishes rules for conduct but more democratic. Parents are responsive to their children and work toward helping their children become responsible and self-controlled.

Permissive – Parent is lenient and responsive, indulgent with few demands. Low expectations for their child’s self-control. They avoid confrontation with their children. They are more like a friend

Uninvolved – Few demands, sometimes neglectful, sometimes rejecting or emotionally or physically abusive, not involved in children’s lives.

Helicopter Parenting is yet another style – and I think this may be a new style that is not healthy.  Helicopter Parenting is defined as “A parent who takes an overprotective or excessive interest in the life of their child”. This is the total opposite of an uninvolved parent. This is a hyper-involved parent! Why is this so bad? It sounds pretty good to be protective and interested….doesn’t it?

Here are some of the qualities of a helicopter parent:

• Manages most if not all of their children’s activities
• Believes everything their child tells them without clarification
• Frequently confronts other children, parents and teachers on their child’s behalf
• Basically, solve all of their child’s problems without allowing them to solve them on their own.

Here are some of the negative consequences for the children of helicopter parents:

• Anxiety and fear
• Inability to solve problems
• Learn avoidance as a way of coping
• Inability to deal with friendship issues
• Inability to develop social skills through unstructured play
• Inability to self-sooth or calm themselves

Some of you may remember when kids were sent outside to play “until the streetlights came on”.  In my childhood, we were allowed to go out and explore, make new friends, fight and make up with friends, learn and discover how to work within groups of friends, deal with whatever came up. There is something to be said for learning self-sufficiency, making our own mistakes and figuring out what to do to fix them, and feel the struggles as well as the sense of accomplishment when we came out of them through the use of our own devices.  I acknowledge we are in a different time; however, we as parents can learn how to let go a bit and help our kids make some of their own decisions, process with them their mistakes, and help them to become self-sufficient, confident and responsible. It’s kind of like having them on an invisible rope tied around their waist – you let the rope out occasionally and, when needed, pull it back a bit. It is allowing them to explore and discover, fall down occasionally, and being there to help them get back up again.

The good news is that we are able to help helicopter parents (as well as any parent!) through teaching I-CBT skills and a different, more effective way to get the behaviors they want from their kids through our Family Systems Treatment Method which includes Parent Management Training. We can also empower their children in individual and group therapy to help themselves learn how to challenge their irrational thinking, calm themselves and come up with more functional, rational thinking.

Let go a bit Helicopterers! Imagine a more rational, calm household with children who exhibit increased self-sufficiency. Sounds better, doesn’t it?

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director

Parent Bashing and Lessons Learned

As you can imagine, therapists who work in this field hear a great deal about the issues that parents have caused in their patient’s lives. If I can be completely honest with you, I have caught myself, at times, engaging in parent bashing myself (sorry Mom and Dad!).

Now, let me clarify something from the get-go – there are some really bad parents out there who have caused true trauma in their children’s lives. I do not condone abusive behavior. The parent bashing I am talking about in this article is the finger pointing that we use too much in order to blame our parents for the myriad of issues we have not dealt with in our lives.

As for me, becoming a parent has created a certain compassion for my own parents. I realize how hard it is to parent! There are so many difficult decisions to make, so many emotions to deal with and way too much second guessing and stressing. I realize how very human I am and acknowledge that I have made and continue to make mistakes while raising my children (sorry boys!).

Here’s the deal: my parents were not perfect and neither am I. I have a choice to continue to blame them for my issues or I can think about their parenting (as well as my own issues) in a different way. This is true Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – looking at my thoughts, testing them to see if they are facts, if they make me feel the way I want to feel and do they help me reach whatever my goal may be. By doing this, I have come up with some rational thoughts as well as values that my parents instilled in me.

1.      If you fall down, get back up again. Don’t give up! Failing something does not mean that you are a failure – it just means that you needed to learn something. Try to learn the lesson and move forward.

2.      Also, don’t be afraid to fail. It’s important to challenge yourself to go out of your comfort zone and maybe you will find your true dream. If you are afraid to fail, you will never reach your true potential.

3.      Once you start something, finish it even though you don’t want to. If you decide you want to try baseball, you need to finish the season. This breeds tenacity to push forward even when it is hard.

4.      Don’t expect constant pats on the back – a good work ethic is self rewarding as it means that you are working at your best and brightest.

5.      Stand up for what you believe in. Without strong values or beliefs, it is very hard to have as much meaning and purpose in your life.

6.      Family is extremely important. They know you and love you even when you are unlovable. They also laugh with you and share memories no one else can understand.

7.      Play outside more than inside. The great outdoors has more beauty and fascination than any TV show.

8.      Don’t expect someone to rescue you. Sometimes you have to find the inner strength and self-love to rescue yourself.

Thank you Mom and Dad! Yes, my parents taught me some wonderful things even in their brokenness. What are some of the things your broken parents taught you? How about trying to think in a different way about your parents today and come up with some of the good things they helped you learn. It may change your perspective!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC, CI-CBT

Is your Child or Teen struggling with Anxiety this School Year?

The 2014-2015 school year is now in full swing. Children and teens are working on assignments, preparing for the first tests of the new year, and also trying to balance different extracurricular activities such as sports, music, theater, and scouts, just to name a few. It is important for our young people to be well-rounded and to be exposed to different experiences. However, on occasion, children and teens can become overwhelmed and anxious in the midst of everything going on in their lives.

Here at New England Center for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy & Psychiatry, we know that Anxiety comes in all different shapes and sizes. It can emerge in different circumstances, and at different times for every child or teen.

In some cases, a child or teen may have Social Anxiety brought on by the pressures to fit in with their peers at school. Other children may find that their Anxiety is brought on by test-taking and a fear of failure.

There are many different types of Anxiety, and they are each characterized by different symptoms.

Children and Adolescent Programs at NECBT

The 2014-15 school year has begun. At this time of year, children and teens may find themselves feeling anxious or depressed, either from the new added stressors from school, or even from social situations in which they feel uncomfortable. In some cases, families may be discovering for the first time that a child has symptoms associated with ADHD. Others may simply need help learning how to better manage their stress. At NECBT, we can help children, teens, and their families get on the right track this school year.

Treating children can be challenging. In fact, a child’s brain is not fully developed until his or her mid-twenties. At New EnglandCenter for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy our philosophy for treating children and adolescents is to highly involve the parents and/or guardians. We have had a lot of success with this approach to children’s therapy. Parents are taught the same I-CBT used in individual session as well as how to use evidence based reinforcement techniques to encourage preferable behaviors.  Parents are then better equipped to handle their child’s behaviors outside the office setting. 

For more about I-CBT, a hybrid of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Emotional Intelligence developed by American Psychotherapist Thomas A. Cordier, please see last week’s post here.

NECBT's Behavioral Training for Parents and Professionals

NECBT's Behavioral Training brings families together.

NECBT's Behavioral Training for Parents and Professionals class will be starting on Thursday July 10^th! As mentioned in last week’s entry, NECBT’s Behavioral Training is part of the three-tiered system of our Children and Adolescent Programming here at NECBT. All parents of children age 17 and younger are required to attend this 10-week seminar to learn how to help reinforce the I-CBT treatment that children are learning in individual sessions. However, Behavioral Training is a great learning opportunity for parents of patients of all ages. 

Behavioral Training is specifically designed for parents, teachers, and administrators looking to learn strategies to help improve children’s behavior in home, school, and social environments.

Children and Adolescent Programs at NECBT

I-CBT is an effective form of treatment for children and families.

Treating children can be challenging. In fact, a child’s brain is not fully developed until his or her mid-twenties. At New England Center for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy our philosophy for treating children and adolescents is to highly involve the parents and/or guardians. We have had a lot of success with this approach to children’s therapy. Parents are taught the same I-CBT used in individual session as well as how to use evidence based reinforcement techniques to encourage preferable behaviors.  Parents are then better equipped to handle their child’s behaviors outside the office setting. 

For more about I-CBT, a hybrid of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Emotional Intelligence developed by American Psychotherapist Thomas A. Cordier, please see last week’s post here.