Emotional Intelligence Versus Entitlement

I was thinking about the word “deserve” today. I was working with a patient who had very definite ideas of different things that he deserved. This person had the mistaken belief that he was entitled. I began to challenge this notion of entitlement specifically because I believe this person did not have a clue that this is not how life works. If he continues thinking this way he will have a very difficult time finding satisfying work, quality relationships and a meaningful life.

So in reality, what do we “deserve”? We deserve (or need) water, food, and air. We do not deserve to have the newest electronic device, the highest paying salary, or have people clean up our messes.

Unfortunately, I have seen an increase in this entitlement thinking lately in my work with kids and teens. Entitlement means “the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment”. Inherently means “essentially”. If I thought I was essentially deserving of special treatment that would mean that I could do what I wanted when I wanted, have people wait on me and always be treated like a queen. Nice thought….totally irrational and unrealistic. If I felt this way then how many employers would want me as an employee? How many people would want to be around me? Who would want to be my spouse? Nada, None, Zero. The point is that none of us are deserving of special treatment just because we exist. We all have to earn respect, be flexible, compromise and understand that we are not better than anyone else or less than anyone else.

If our kids believe that they don’t deserve to be made to go to school, that their parents are supposed to take care of everything for them, and are entitled to getting everything they want, then we are dreadfully failing in our true responsibility as parents. It’s time to start teaching our children Emotional Intelligence instead of Entitlement. Did I hear the question “What is Emotional Intelligence?” It is:

• How to recognize our own emotions and how those emotions impact others
• How to be aware of others feelings
• How to be motivated towards goals
• How to have empathy
• How to have good social skills
• How to socially adapt to different situations

Emotional Intelligence will help our kids be kind, flexible, responsible and feel good about themselves. Entitlement will only lead to disappointment and irresponsibility. I encourage parents to strive to teach your children Emotional Intelligence – it’s not too late to start eliminating the entitlement idea and learning the emotionally intelligent way!

Bonnie Lillis

Clinical Director, NECBT

Catch 22: School Exercises Better Prepare Kids for Danger?

A few weeks ago our family’s nightly dinner discussion became centered around my 10-year-old son explaining what it was like to experience a school lock down exercise earlier that day. As he “in a matter of fact way” told his story about a teacher instructing him and his classmates to hide; I couldn’t help but notice a tinge of fear in his voice. Was his fear more projection on my part? Possibly my own fears and anxieties coming into fruition, due to concern for the welfare of my boy and the overall reality of the world we now must live in? This shocking authenticity proclaiming that “I’m here to take your life! I’m here for your children and to deprive you of the very freedom that you hold dear!” The freedom that so many sacrificed and gave their all for; only to replace it with fear for our lives, distrust and vigilance. Was my boy overtaken with this same fearfulness? or “to him” was this simply a certainty that we all must live with? A realism that will soon become a “normal” part of an ordinary day in the life of a child "similar to the cold war air-raid exercises of the 1950s?" The only difference being the cold war attacks did not occur, but legitimate terrorism "more recently" has occurred and "in 2001"on a mass scale. The words I heard on the news days before regarding the San Bernardino attacks echoed through my mind “terrorist attacks are usually done and over before the police arrive.” “We have three options which are to run, hide, or fight.” It makes sense for our schools to break down our children’s options to only two of those choices which are to “run and hide.”

When pondering the overall effects that these modern world threats may have on our children we must understand a few relevant points. Our kids tend to break the world down to its simplest form. They look at things two dimensionally in terms of good or evil, friend or foe. After listening to my child describe ISIS, I realized it sounded more like the dark side in the Star Wars films. Regardless of all the complexities involving human nature, my son was absolutely correct! The difference “of course” being that Star Wars is a fantasy science fiction and fundamentalist terrorism as well as homegrown terrorism along with the deadly promises that both embody are about as real as it can possibly get.
I believe that the effect of the "terrorism threat" on our children can be compared to exposure to other types of violent threats that occur within the backdrop our society. The majority of human beings “children included” are resilient. In time children begin to habituate to specific situations and conditions. In other words, once they become used to lockdowns and the overall threat of attack, the fear or “anxiety” is incorporated into their everyday lives and they eventually learn to adapt “somewhat like the soldier who learns to adapt and survive in the wartime theatre; who learns to sleep at night with bombs detonating in in the backdrop.” In this day and age learning to be prepared for potential threats of violence is an absolute necessity. This does not necessarily mean that children who are warned about the dangers of terrorism and better prepared for it will constantly struggle with anxiety or trauma. Nor does it mean that they’ll have to contend with mental illness throughout their lives. When children become clinically anxious or traumatized, it’s usually associated with direct or continual exposure to violent acts and images or physical abuse and/or neglect, which is not necessarily correlated with learning self-defense or being taught where to run and hide when you’re being targeted by predators. However, it’s probably not a good idea to allow children to view graphic, violent images of the atrocities associated with terrorism or to let them watch overly violent television shows meant for mature audiences. Allowing our children to incessantly play violent video games on a continual basis is also not a good idea. These vehicles can become preoccupations and are known to produce genuine anxiety and fear in our children and sometimes aggression. 

Please do not misinterpret what is being said here. The world has changed and it is a very different world that we are raising our children in. We need to face this fact. These changes do indeed affect our children’s emotions and thinking as well as the forming of their beliefs and ideologies. But, let us not associate the teaching of preventive measures, preparation and vigilance and proper informative discussions with them about terrorism, violent threats and safety as direct causation for our children to become overly anxious, traumatized, insecure and significantly unstable. Being made ready is a good thing and it saves lives. The limiting of preventative measures such as lockdown exercises and failure to explain these very real threats to our children would leave them ill-equipped and more exposed to danger. I believe that It is better to be educated and informed than not prepared.

Dr. Thomas Cordier is an author and public speaker on mental health topics. He is also a researcher and psychotherapist specializing in cognitive-behavioral treatment aspects. His book entitled, "An Introduction to the Interpersonal-Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Treatment System (I-CBT): A Recie for Mental Health Treatment Success" is curently available worldwide. He has extensively researched the efficacy of an interpersonal, integrative approach to cognitive-behavioral-therapy (CBT) and created a model and manual that is easily comprehensible regardless of the patient's age or learning abilities. Dr. Cordier created the interpersonal-cognitive-behavioral treatment program (I-CBT and the I-CBT Family Systems Program at the New England Center for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (NECBT) and the NECBT Cordier Institute for I-CBT. http://www.NECBT.com

A New Year's Resolution - How About Forgiveness?

I have a confession to make – New Years’ is not my favorite holiday. Even though I understand cognitively the spirit of the holiday as being a new start, there doesn’t seem to be a real meaning behind it. Could it be that I have broken enough New Years’ resolutions over the years that all of the broken commitments feel like a failure to me? Maybe.

However, this year, there is one resolution…..no not resolution; “desire of my heart” that I want to pursue. This year I want to work on those painful moments in life that I have yet to forgive. You know what I’m talking about – those times when someone says or does something (or doesn’t say or do something) that have personally caused pain. Many times the hurt comes from misunderstanding or misinterpreting. Sometimes it may have been intentional. All of the time I am acutely aware it is either due to my or the other person’s brokenness. Yep, even though I am aware, I still carry that burden of unforgiveness at times. Not all the time….just sometimes.

So first, just what does forgiveness mean or not mean? Here is my list:

• To give up resentment and anger towards someone
• To free yourself from bitterness
• Does not mean to condone the other person’s behavior
• Does not deny the other person’s responsibility
• Does not require the other person to say they are sorry or change
• Does not mean forgetting
• Does not mean you need to continue a relationship with that person

What did you notice about this list? What I notice is that it only takes me to forgive – it does not require me and the offending party together. I also notice that if I choose to hold onto being unforgiving, then it is only me that suffers. The other party is not suffering (generally). Therefore, I am only hurting myself by keeping that darkness in my heart.

Some other thoughts about Forgiveness:

• It is a choice – it is active, not passive (or passive aggressive)
• It is an attitude – you can look at your own perception and see that it may not be a fact (irrational thoughts!)
• Forgiving is like grief – you may need to grieve the wound
• It is empowering (freedom!)
• It is a process – doesn’t happen overnight. It needs to be worked on over and over until you can finally move forward from it.
• The hardest person to forgive may be you.

Ouch – did you read that last one? We are frequently much harder on ourselves than we are on others. Who said we were perfect? Why do we hold ourselves to impossible standards? Be kind to yourself – learn from your mistake, forgive yourself and let it go.

The best way for me to forgive is to use empathy. Empathy is feeling with people or walking in their shoes. Think about it; have you unintentionally caused someone pain? Of course! If we acknowledge that we are all broken, we can look at the other person with compassion by thinking that they are coming from a broken place. Remember the old adage “To err is human”? Yes, we all make mistakes. We all need to be forgiven.

2016 is the year of letting go of the pain others have caused me and being kinder to myself. 2016 will be the year of Forgiveness. I challenge you to join me in this endeavor!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director

New England Center for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Rally Toward Resilience

What is resilience? Why are some people more resilient than others? These are questions I have been pondering as of late. I decided to first look at the definition of resilience:  “able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions”

Actually, I like this other definition better because it gives me a better visual: “able to recoil or spring back into shape after bending, stretching, or being compressed.”

Many of my patients express this “being compressed” as debilitation due to major depression. However, being compressed by life events does not necessarily mean depression. All of us experience distress, disappointment and discouragement in life (the 3 “d” words). It is one of those facts of life that frankly stinks. None of us want to experience pain, sorrow or the 3 “d” words; but we all do. The question now is how do we handle these “compression” moments?

I have pondered a few questions. One is that I wonder whether resilient people have an  optimistic personality? If you are an optimist, does that mean you are able to see hope easier? The other question is whether people who have a stubborn streak are more resilient? In other words, stubborn people are not going to allow the 3 “d” words to knock them down. Is it a combination of these?

Many people would consider me as resilient. I am, but it is a process. I rail against the disappointment, distress and discouragement. Sometimes I want to curl up in a ball, most of the time I want to run away, all of the time I process it as long as I need to, challenge the irrationality of it all, and move forward. Why? Because frankly I cannot tolerate the negative emotions! By the way, I am also stubborn and an eternal optimist!

Whether a personality has a resilient “trait” doesn’t matter. What matters is that anyone can learn how to be more resilient if they work on their Interpersonal Cognitive Behavioral Therapy skills. In other words, we can allow our negative emotions and thoughts to take over when we are “bent, stretched and compressed”, or we can challenge those negative thoughts, come up with calmer ones and help ourselves bounce back from what is defeating us in a speedy fashion. It is only through calming those negative thoughts that lead to negative feelings. Create rational, calm thoughts and your emotions (feelings) will become calmer and rational. This is the most effective way to become increase your resilience during personal storms.

Health, happiness and rationality to you this holiday season!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director/NECBT

12 Tips for a Fulfilled Life

I was talking with a patient yesterday who has experienced some broken relationships and I wanted to give him encouragement through the use of personal wisdom I have gained….sometimes the hard way! My holiday gift to all of you who are reading this blog is to share some of these tips.

·         Find purpose, meaning, connection and transcendence in your life.  

Did you know that this is the true meaning of spirituality? Many people equate spirituality with religion. However, you can be spiritual without religion. Remember, spirituality is purpose, meaning, connection and what you personally decide that which is bigger than you. If you can find all of these, life can be gentler and kinder as well as more fulfilling.

·         Compromise without compromising your principles.

Try to see the other’s point of view and try to meet in the middle – unless it compromises your core values.

·         Practice daily gratitude even when you don’t feel grateful.

There is always something to be grateful for – can you see today? Can you hear music? Can you walk, run, breath? Practicing gratitude provides hope when you feel hopeless.

·         Forgive often.

Do not get caught up in the belief that forgiveness means letting the other person off the hook. Forgiveness is for you! If you are able to forgive, you are able to let go of the negative, bitter feelings. Not easy, but so well worth it.

·         People will disappoint.

Many times our expectations will exceed what others can or are willing to do. This will cause disappointment. Practice acceptance of this, grieve it if need be and move forward from it. This is important to do for healthy relationships as well as for your own peace of mind.

·         Along the theme of forgiveness and disappointment – This Too Shall Pass!

Frequently we get caught up in our negative emotions and cannot see that there is something good around the corner. Practice challenging your negative thoughts to help yourself feel better by telling yourself that this bump in the road is temporary.

·         Love as much as you can – then love more!

If you do this then you will find the love you are looking for whether it is for yourself (love within), for others (love without) and/or with your personal spirituality – hopefully you will find all three. 

·         Have a voice and stand up for what you believe is right.

Appropriate assertiveness is important as you will have more of a chance to get your needs met. Speak even if you don’t “feel” listened to. If you do not express your thoughts and feelings appropriately, the negativity will fester and you will become embittered. Even if your needs are not met in the manner you wish, at least you had a voice.

·         Work hard toward your goals.

Give 100% at work, at school or whatever you are doing and you will experience personal satisfaction and self worth in a job well done.

·         Avoid judgment.

Judgment of others is really just being arrogant. We are all broken and faltered – no one is perfect. At the same time, do not worry about others’ judgment of you. This is wasted energy and does not create anything positive in your life. Remember that we are all “works in progress” and if we are doing the best we can then that is all that is expected.

·         Turn your pain into something positive.

Frequently there are lessons to learn when we experience painful circumstances which can be turned into positive. I have learned much compassion through my own painful experiences and now have much meaning and purpose in helping others. Try to figure out what you can learn and challenge the negativity you feel. This can be used for good, is a great way to calm yourself as well as provide inner healing.

·         Show compassion and empathy.

Empathy is “feeling with people”.  Be there for others when they need it most. This has created the most healing in my life. Even if others are not there for me, I will continue to provide it to others. I receive a gift to my spirit whenever I show compassion and empathy to others. This is very precious.

My goodness, my list turned out to be much bigger than I anticipated. My hope is that if you can take one tip on this list and find encouragement, then I am grateful.

Peace, joy and the gift of rationality to all of you in this holiday season!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director, NECBT

Confusing the Two "E" Words

I once read a story about a butterfly hatching from its cocoon. If a human being comes along and helps the butterfly by taking the cocoon off, the butterfly will not be able to fly. You see, the butterfly has to struggle from the cocoon in order to force fluid from its body into the wings so that it will be able to fly! The human being who wanted to help actually prevented the butterfly from helping itself fly.

I remembered this story the other day when I was working with a family and I began to think about the difference between the two “E” words – empowering versus enabling. Believe it or not, there is a huge distinction between these two words!

The actual definitions of these words are similar. To empower is to give someone power to do something. To enable is to help someone be able to do something. However, in the psychological sense, enabling is seen as offering the type of help which actually perpetuates the problem rather than help resolve it.

Why am I writing about these two words? Because I am finding that there are some parents who are trying to help their anxious children but are actually perpetuating the anxiety. I want to acknowledge that these parents are very good hearted and compassionate; they truly hate seeing their child suffer so! As a parent myself I get this. No parent likes to see their child suffer! What is not understood is that in order for a child to learn how to handle the anxiety, the child may need to struggle with the anxiety, learn how to calm themselves down through challenging their irrational thoughts and get done what needs to be done. Think about a baby – the baby learns how to “self soothe” or comfort themselves when they are upset by sucking on a pacifier or their thumb. The older child can learn to comfort or calm themselves when they are anxious. Saving them from the struggle only teaches them that they don’t need to face that which makes them feel anxious. 

For example, telling a child that he/she doesn’t have to go to school because the child is feeling sick due to being anxious about a test does not empower them, it enables them to avoid the anxiety. This only perpetuates the anxiety. The next time they have a test, instead of feeling sick, they will be sick and the problem continues or even worsens. Instead, tell the child that you understand how anxious he/she is, but that you are confident that they can face their anxiety and do their best on the test. Do this in a calm voice and don’t engage in their, “but Mom/Dad!” - this is empowering them.

Here at NECBT, we teach both children and parents the skills they need to help them to see their anxious thoughts as irrational, challenge those irrational thoughts and come up with calmer ones to get through the anxious situation. Once the child understands that their anxious thoughts are not factual and that those thoughts are making them more anxious, then they can begin to help themselves become less anxious.  If they work on this hard enough, they will break free from their disabling anxiety and become able to do what they do in spite of the anxiety. This is true empowerment!

Imagine if your child was empowered to manage their anxiety, how less anxious your own life would be! Empower – don’t Enable!

Bonnie Lillis, LPC

Clinical Director     

Struggling Against the Winds of Worry

I was reading a blog recently that listed many quotes on worry. Worry – this can be so insidious and so irrational! How many nights can you count in the past year when you tossed and turned with worry thoughts? How many times, on the next day, did you find that your worry did nothing to help the impending doom you were worrying about? This is what we call a “Mental Mishap” or general irrationalization called Magical Worry.

What is it about worry…..it infests our thoughts, it infests our actions and basically creates more anxiety.  The word insidious is a perfect definition for worry – this is the definition of insidious: causing harm in a way that is gradual or not easily noticed; treacherous, seductive. Worry does creep up on us, invades our brain and creates anxiety. Yes, it CREATES anxiety. Or, at the very least, feeds anxiety. It is also exhausting.

Why worry? I believe we worry because we are very uncomfortable with situations we cannot control. Yes, most of us are control freaks. Some worries seem reasonable: Will I be able to pay my bills? Will my kids turn out all right? Will I be able to retire someday? Most are unreasonable: What if I make a mistake? What if they don’t like me? Will my hair look okay? What will they say to me tomorrow? Can we actually control any of these things? There is only one way to control that which we cannot control.

Here is it: Change your thinking and tell your brain to LET IT GO. (Okay, stop it fans of Frozen and those who are sick of the song)! Worrying is irrational! It does nothing except raise your blood pressure, make you sick to your stomach and contributes to lost sleep. When those worry thoughts start to plague you challenge them and come up with calming thoughts such as, “worry is wasted energy”, “whatever happens, I can cope” or “I can face my future without struggling against the winds of worry”. Nelson DeMille states, “Somehow our devils are never quite what we expect when we meet them face to face”. Isn’t that true?

My favorite quote is by Leo F. Buscaglia: “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow. It only saps today of its joy.”  So, let go of those worry thoughts and change them to empowering thoughts of living life in the moment. Don’t waste another minute worrying! I guarantee that you will feel calmer, feel more in control and live more fully. 

Bonnie Lillis, LPC
Clinical Director, NECBT