Emotional Intelligence Versus Entitlement

I was thinking about the word “deserve” today. I was working with a patient who had very definite ideas of different things that he deserved. This person had the mistaken belief that he was entitled. I began to challenge this notion of entitlement specifically because I believe this person did not have a clue that this is not how life works. If he continues thinking this way he will have a very difficult time finding satisfying work, quality relationships and a meaningful life.

So in reality, what do we “deserve”? We deserve (or need) water, food, and air. We do not deserve to have the newest electronic device, the highest paying salary, or have people clean up our messes.

Unfortunately, I have seen an increase in this entitlement thinking lately in my work with kids and teens. Entitlement means “the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment”. Inherently means “essentially”. If I thought I was essentially deserving of special treatment that would mean that I could do what I wanted when I wanted, have people wait on me and always be treated like a queen. Nice thought….totally irrational and unrealistic. If I felt this way then how many employers would want me as an employee? How many people would want to be around me? Who would want to be my spouse? Nada, None, Zero. The point is that none of us are deserving of special treatment just because we exist. We all have to earn respect, be flexible, compromise and understand that we are not better than anyone else or less than anyone else.

If our kids believe that they don’t deserve to be made to go to school, that their parents are supposed to take care of everything for them, and are entitled to getting everything they want, then we are dreadfully failing in our true responsibility as parents. It’s time to start teaching our children Emotional Intelligence instead of Entitlement. Did I hear the question “What is Emotional Intelligence?” It is:

• How to recognize our own emotions and how those emotions impact others
• How to be aware of others feelings
• How to be motivated towards goals
• How to have empathy
• How to have good social skills
• How to socially adapt to different situations

Emotional Intelligence will help our kids be kind, flexible, responsible and feel good about themselves. Entitlement will only lead to disappointment and irresponsibility. I encourage parents to strive to teach your children Emotional Intelligence – it’s not too late to start eliminating the entitlement idea and learning the emotionally intelligent way!

Bonnie Lillis

Clinical Director, NECBT