Parenting….it is one of the toughest jobs in the world. It
is also one of the most rewarding! When we parent, we have to make so many on
the spot decisions, deal with lack of sleep, worry, and have so much thrown at
us all at once. How we deal with the stressors, behavioral concerns, etc. can
have so much impact on our children. It is so important to learn what style you
use and whether it is effective. In the parenting seminars we teach at NECBT,
we talk about four common parenting styles – Authoritarian, Authoritative,
Permissive and Uninvolved. In teaching these seminars, I really think we need
to add a fifth – The Helicopterer.
First, let’s define the first four styles:
Authoritarian – Strict rules, high demands but
unresponsive to children, punishment and explanations such as “because I said
so!”
Authoritative – Establishes rules for conduct
but more democratic. Parents are responsive to their children and work toward
helping their children become responsible and self-controlled.
Permissive – Parent is lenient and responsive,
indulgent with few demands. Low expectations for their child’s self-control.
They avoid confrontation with their children. They are more like a friend
Uninvolved – Few demands, sometimes
neglectful, sometimes rejecting or emotionally or physically abusive, not
involved in children’s lives.
Helicopter Parenting is yet another style –
and I think this may be a new style that is not healthy. Helicopter Parenting is defined as “A parent
who takes an overprotective or excessive interest in the life of their child”.
This is the total opposite of an uninvolved parent. This is a hyper-involved parent! Why is this so
bad? It sounds pretty good to be protective and interested….doesn’t it?
Here are some of the qualities of a helicopter parent:
- Manages most if not all of their children’s activities
- Believes everything their child tells them without clarification
- Frequently confronts other children, parents and teachers on their child’s behalf
- Basically, solve all of their child’s problems without allowing them to solve them on their own.
Here are some of the negative
consequences for the children of helicopter parents:
- Anxiety and fear
- Inability to solve problems
- Learn avoidance as a way of coping
- Inability to deal with friendship issues
- Inability to develop social skills through unstructured play
- Inability to self-sooth or calm themselves
Some of you may remember when kids were sent outside to play
“until the streetlights came on”. In my
childhood, we were allowed to go out and explore, make new friends, fight and
make up with friends, learn and discover how to work within groups of friends,
deal with whatever came up. There is something to be said for learning
self-sufficiency, making our own mistakes and figuring out what to do to fix
them, and feel the struggles as well as the sense of accomplishment when we
came out of them through the use of our own devices. I acknowledge we are in a different time;
however, we as parents can learn how to let go a bit and help our kids make
some of their own decisions, process with them their mistakes, and help them to
become self-sufficient, confident and responsible. It’s kind of like having
them on an invisible rope tied around their waist – you let the rope out
occasionally and, when needed, pull it back a bit. It is allowing them to
explore and discover, fall down occasionally, and being there to help them get
back up again.
The good news is that we are able to help helicopter parents
(as well as any parent!) through teaching I-CBT skills and a different, more
effective way to get the behaviors they want from their kids through our Family
Systems Treatment Method which includes Parent Management Training. We can also
empower their children in individual and group therapy to help themselves learn
how to challenge their irrational thinking, calm themselves and come up with
more functional, rational thinking.
Let go a bit Helicopterers! Imagine a more rational, calm
household with children who exhibit increased self-sufficiency. Sounds better,
doesn’t it?
Bonnie Lillis, LPC
Clinical Director
