As a mother I only wanted for my children to become
responsible human beings who had compassionate hearts and good people in their
lives. Did you notice that I didn’t say anything about success? That’s because
my first sentence is what I consider success. On to my main point; I also
wanted my children to be who they are, to follow their own path without telling
them who they should be.
Every year at the parent-teacher conferences I would be
advised that my oldest child was “too quiet” and not outgoing enough. At first
I accepted this observation and as a first time mother wondered whether I was
doing something wrong. This is very common with first time mothers….always the
questioning of parenting skills….always the guilt that maybe I wasn’t being a
good enough parent. As the years went by, my attitude changed. I began to feel
resentment toward the teachers. Here is my child, getting good grades, never
getting into trouble, and having friends and the teacher is complaining that he
is “too quiet”??
Why was I resentful? Because I know my child and I know his
strengths and weaknesses. I do not consider his being quiet a weakness. My son
was shy just like his mother. My son was an introvert. There is nothing wrong
with being an introvert. Introverts just get more benefit from being
introspective instead of getting their energy from being with people. Having
said this, if my son was socially anxious it may have been a different story.
Now let’s talk about the difference between being shy and
having social anxiety. The main question to ask if you wonder whether your
child is shy, introverted or has social anxiety is this: Does this behavior
negatively impact the child’s life? If the child seems well adjusted and mostly
content, then the child is just shy. However, if you child seems anxious and
does not interact much, perhaps it is social anxiety.
Social Anxiety Disorder, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical
Manual for Mental Disorders, version 5 (DSM-V) has symptoms of marked fear
about one or more social situations in which the person is exposed to possible
scrutiny by others, the social situations are avoided or endured with intense
anxiety, the fear is out of proportion to the actual threat and causes
clinically significant distress or impairment. Frequently people who have this
disorder feel that they are being watched and judged. Usually they feel that
they are being judged negatively. In most cases, they believe that they will
behave incompetently or inappropriately and that they will suffer disastrous
consequences. These people make more comparisons than the rest of us and
compare themselves with people they perceive are better than they are. This way
of living can be very distressing for a child, the parent of the child and for
adults. Fear not! There is help!
Interpersonal Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – I-CBT is a very
effective method for treating children and adults with Social Anxiety Disorder.
In order to change feelings of anxiety and negative behavior, the thoughts have
to be changed. We teach children to look at their thoughts realistically,
challenge their anxious thinking to calm thinking and help them engage with
others in a rational way. We look at their negative core beliefs (self
perceptions) and help them to challenge those effectively. We help them stop
avoiding stressful situations by slowly exposing them to these so that they can
learn that not everyone is judging them (and even if they are it doesn’t mean
it is a negative judgment.). We search to see if they have received a negative
message somehow that has changed their self-perception and help them challenge
this rationally. We have them join our children or teen groups so that they can
learn appropriate interactions, as well as being more emotionally intelligent. We
also teach their parents how to appropriately reinforce the behaviors they want
their children to exhibit. All of these interventions, along with the child,
teen or adult’s motivation for change can be extremely effective.
So what happened to my child? He has a wonderful soul mate,
a terrific son of his own, and is working in the job that he enjoys. He still
is a quiet guy but has great insight and empathy. It’s okay to be shy unless it
is negatively impacting your life. He and I are proof!
Bonnie Lillis, LPC
Bonnie Lillis is a Psychotherapist with New England Center
for CBT (NECBT), located in Glastonbury ,
Connecticut
