Why is it that we get ourselves in such a tizzy about
something that hasn’t even happened?
Also, why do we allow ourselves to get in such a tizzy about having to
deal with other people’s bad or negative behaviors?
I was teaching someone I-CBT today and used a scenario
surrounding a family dinner and the person’s fear that her mother will behave
badly. There are many things wrong with this scenario but I only want to focus
on a few. First of all, the person talking about the scenario is using a mental
mishap that we all use – jumping to conclusions through fortune telling
(stating what the future will bring without real evidence). Already she is
telling herself that this bad situation will happen when she does not have any
evidence for it! She is just basing this on something that probably happened in
the past and now expresses fear that it will happen again (another mental
mishap – generalization).
There are two problems with this. First, she is allowing
herself to become anxious and agitated about something that has not yet
occurred. This is such a waste of energy and her anxiousness will end up
clouding the rest of her life until the actual event arrives. This doesn’t make
much sense but it is something that all of us have done. I call it being a
Tizzyhead. Makes me crazy when I do this to myself.
The second problem is this person is allowing her mother’s
possible negative behavior to steal her joy with the dinner event. I can hear
you saying to me “but it is her mother!!!” Yep, mother’s can definitely have
power over us….however, if we have reached adulthood, we no longer need to feed
into the old child baggage.
The point is she (and we) do not need to allow any of this
to happen if I-CBT is used to calm the
anxiety when it occurs. She can tell herself this, “my mother may behave
badly as she has in the past but that is her stuff, not mine. I do not
have to allow her behavior to impact me negatively and I can choose to ignore. Remember
it is not the people who are making us feel bad, it is what we think about the
people and their behavior that is making us feel bad. You do have the power to
change how you feel just by changing how you think. Imagine how empowering that
is!
The other reason we become a Tizzyhead is that we may be
anxious about confronting people who are behaving badly. Instead of
communicating assertively, we avoid the discomfort and just become anxious (and
angry). The more we avoid these situations, the more upset we become.
Don’t let others steal your joy. Change your thinking and
communicate assertively. That way you won’t waste precious time and energy
being a Tizzyhead!
Bonnie Lillis, LPC
Clinician, New England
Center
