Have you have had a situation in your life when someone you
love either does something or says something that is seemingly totally
irresponsible and incredibly hurtful? I am guessing most of us have. Since this
has occurred in my life very recently, I have been trying to figure out the
most rational manner of dealing with it. Of course, I have used Interpersonal Cognitive
Behavioral Therapy (I-CBT) to recognize my angry and sad thoughts and have been
challenging those thoughts on nearly a minute by minute basis. Yes, I am really
angry and really sad. Unfortunately, it is a situation that has no comfortable
solution and one I have absolutely no control over. Aren’t those the most difficult?
One of the components of I-CBT that we teach here is the
five cognitive-emotive rules. The first rule is “It’s not the people, things or
situations that make you feel bad, it’s what you think about the people, things
or situations”. This is so very true in my situation, because I was actually
thinking that it was so and so’s fault that I feel this way (sound familiar?)
Actually, it was what I was thinking about the person’s motivation to do what
she did and interpreted it negatively (mind reading!). As a result I became
very angry and sad because it caused pain for several members of my family
(including me). I am very protective of my family and unfortunately take
anything that is said against one of them as a personal attack. This is my
baggage – I am quite aware that it is irrational. However, this is clearly a
situation that I need to come to a place of radical acceptance. I can do that
through challenging my irrational thoughts and coming up with alternative situations.
Radical acceptance is quite a concept – easy to understand, difficult to
accomplish. However, the more I focus on this, the more I can use it in my
current situation.
So, what is Radical Acceptance? It is to acknowledge the
present situation without judgment of the events or criticizing yourself or
others. It is when you recognize that the present situation is due to a chain
of events that began far in the past. Radical acceptance is looking at yourself
and the situation and seeing it for what it really is. It means that you stop
trying to change the situation through anger and blame; just that you can
refocus on what you can do now. This is very much in tune with I-CBT – seeing
your thoughts for what they are and challenging them to calmer thoughts which
leads to changing how your feel about the situation.
Here are some of the statements of radical acceptance or
challenged thought statements that have helped. Note that many of them come
from a place of emotional intelligence through the use of empathy:
- I can’t control other people’s behavior; I can only control how I think and feel about it.
- I can’t change what has already happened.
- Everyone has some brokenness; perhaps that person is coming from a broken place.
- Everyone is doing the best they can in this situation.
- My righteous anger can only create more hurt if I allow it.
- I know that I need to be forgiven for some of my past decisions; can I not offer forgiveness in this situation?
- It is what it is.
I want you to know that radical acceptance (just like
forgiveness) does not mean that thoughtless behavior is condoned. It means
reframing the thinking that may lead you to irrational vindictiveness or
hurtful behavior. It means being able to be in the moment, without judgment,
and seeing the situation for what it is. Then you can use new rational coping
thoughts and actually feel some peace and empathy instead of rage, indignation,
and hurt. If you do this, imagine how you will be able to communicate your
thoughts to the offending party – you will be able to talk about this in a
diplomatic, assertive, and calm manner. This tends to be much more effective
than flying off in a blind rage or using vindictiveness.
Practice radical acceptance along with the I-CBT concept of
challenging your thinking and creating new, calm thoughts. You will feel better
for it!
Bonnie Lillis, LPC
Clinical Director, NECBT
