I once read a story about a butterfly hatching from its
cocoon. If a human being comes along and helps the butterfly by taking the
cocoon off, the butterfly will not be able to fly. You see, the butterfly has
to struggle from the cocoon in order to force fluid from its body into the
wings so that it will be able to fly! The human being who wanted to help
actually prevented the butterfly from helping itself fly.
I remembered this story the other day when I was working
with a family and I began to think about the difference between the two “E”
words – empowering versus enabling. Believe it or not, there is a huge
distinction between these two words!
The actual definitions of these words are similar. To empower
is to give someone power to do something. To enable is to help someone be able
to do something. However, in the psychological sense, enabling is seen as offering
the type of help which actually perpetuates the problem rather than help resolve
it.
Why am I writing about these two words? Because I am finding
that there are some parents who are trying to help their anxious children but are
actually perpetuating the anxiety. I want to acknowledge that these parents are
very good hearted and compassionate; they truly hate seeing their child suffer
so! As a parent myself I get this. No parent likes to see their child suffer! What
is not understood is that in order for a child to learn how to handle the
anxiety, the child may need to struggle with the anxiety, learn how to calm
themselves down through challenging their irrational thoughts and get done what
needs to be done. Think about a baby – the baby learns how to “self soothe” or
comfort themselves when they are upset by sucking on a pacifier or their thumb.
The older child can learn to comfort or calm themselves when they are anxious. Saving
them from the struggle only teaches them that they don’t need to face that
which makes them feel anxious.
For example, telling a child that he/she doesn’t have to go
to school because the child is feeling sick due to being anxious about a test
does not empower them, it enables them to avoid the anxiety. This only
perpetuates the anxiety. The next time they have a test, instead of feeling
sick, they will be sick and
the problem continues or even worsens. Instead, tell the child that you
understand how anxious he/she is, but that you are confident that they can face
their anxiety and do their best on the test. Do this in a calm voice and don’t
engage in their, “but Mom/Dad!” - this is empowering them.
Here at NECBT, we teach both children and parents the skills
they need to help them to see their anxious thoughts as irrational, challenge
those irrational thoughts and come up with calmer ones to get through the
anxious situation. Once the child understands that their anxious thoughts are
not factual and that those thoughts are making them more anxious, then they can
begin to help themselves become less anxious. If they work on this hard enough, they will
break free from their disabling anxiety and become able to do what they do in
spite of the anxiety. This is true empowerment!
Imagine if your child was empowered to manage their anxiety,
how less anxious your own life would be! Empower
– don’t Enable!
Bonnie Lillis, LPC
Clinical Director
